Blue Cloud Cloth

Another big ol' post. :)

Mon, 16 Nov 2009 17:38:36 GMT

This Saturday Jeff and I put the garden to bed for the year. I'm a bit sore, but I'm glad it's done. First we laid newspaper over all of the sod where we plan to expand the garden. Then we got a bunch of composted manure and spread it over all the raised beds and in the new area. Then we spread mowed leaves over the whole thing. It was funny, we were the only house bringing all our leaves to the back yard rather than out to the street. I harvested the beets and carrots finally, and the rest of the swiss chard. We also got our bulk meat on Thursday, so really we're set on food for the winter. The only things we'll be buying at the store are dairy and onions and potatoes and garlic, also staples like beans and grains. I plan on making all our bread and yogurt, too. I hope to get this into a pretty solid routine.

The finished garden, and what it will look like next year. The painted stick towards the middle is where we finally planted Vera's placenta. There's nothing like getting a years worth of meat to help you clean out the old stuff in your freezer. It's good though, fall is the perfect time to plant it. It was actually really nice, kind of ceremonial. We all stood around it (including Maya, who was extremely interested), and we told Vera all about how this was her jacket when she was a little baby inside mama. We told her she didn't need it anymore and that it can go in the garden now. She was very interested and kept saying "Vera. Baby. Jacket." It's now planted right between two (will-be) raised beds, so we'll put a step stone there (and decorate it) so we'll know where it's planted. I thought about planting it under a tree or something, but then I'd be all sad if the tree died or we moved, so I thought the garden was a better place to put it.

The expansion gives us room for seven new 8x4 raised beds, and probably a couple of 4x4 beds. Add that to our existing eight 8x4s and we've got... 512 square feet of garden space! This is not counting the other side (pictured below) of the yard where I'm doing a thick border of flowers and herbs and things like raspberries and blackberries. I'm hoping to supply myself with all of my own medicinal/aromatic/edible herbs and whatever beautiful perennial flowers I can manage. This is so fun!

We're also getting our four chickens and building a combination chicken coop/greenhouse. It'll start just to the right of that white bucket (covering our little blueberry bush) and go back to the end of the garage. The plan is to build a supporting wall out of pounded tires and then build a small coop on the right end. The chickens will have a little yard all around the back of the garage and around their coop to the edge of the garden. Then the greenhouse will be the second much larger side to the left. And that white picket fence there? Our friends were getting rid of it, so we're going to cut it down a little (to about 3 feet) and have it border the whole garden (to keep dogs/little kiddos from pulling up freshly planted things like they did this year). Now that the physical end of things is out of the way for a few months, we've got to get going on our seed starting closet, planning the new garden, ordering seeds, making solid plans for the greenhouse/coop and getting them looked over by someone who knows what they're doing, etc.

Menu planning is FUN! I love thinking about food... Here's the following week in food: Tonight is crock pot white chicken chili (made with leftover roast chicken, homemade chicken stock, pinto beans, homemade green salsa, homegrown swiss chard... yummy!) with sourdough toast, Tuesday's dinner is savory oat cakes with homemade aioli and green beans, Wednesday- beef stir-fry with veggies and homemade flat bread (made with soaked flour. See why here.), Thursday- egg drop soup and a sprout salad, Friday- stuffed acorn squash, Saturday- homemade mac n' cheese with sprout salad, Sunday- Crock pot corn chowder with biscuits (soaked flour) and sprout salad. Breakfast and lunches are generally simple and involve leftovers. Although I did find this new recipe for a breakfast that we all just love, and it saves time on days when we need some energy but don't have time to make a big thing. I didn't have all the grains the recipe called for, so all I did was soak oats, brown rice, and wheat berries during the day, then stuck them in the crock pot with water over night. Served up hot in the morning with butter, maple syrup, frozen blueberries, and a little raw milk. We all loved it and was a welcome change from our much-beloved oatmeal. It has really good texture and is surprisingly flavorful.

And finally I got around to getting a couple of pictures of the downstairs pantry, aka the "root cellar". This shelf has salsas and soup and squash, pickled green beans, and a tomato tapenade kind of spread that I made out of leftover tomato skins and seeds from the canning process (it's really good, and I'll post a recipe sometime soon).

This shelf has tomatoes, tomato sauce and juice, corn, greens, applesauce, pear sauce, chutney, and some quince jam and jelly. It actually looks like less than it is in these pictures, the shelves are really deep and everything is stacked. Anyway, there's also some pumpkin puree up in the top left and lots of pumpkins in a box below. I froze most of the fruit I got this year, and there's sauerkraut still curing in the fridge. I wonder if we'll make it all year!

And last but not least, my thrift store find of the week- a round coffee table. It actually spins around like a lazy susan (Vera loves this), and it's less pokey than our old coffee table (cuz now I have to think about little heads banging into it!). Jeff's going to refinish it soon, and I love it.

Quote of the day:
"We are indeed much more than we eat, but what we eat can nevertheless help us to be much more than what we are." -Adelle Davis

Ramble ramble

Thu, 12 Nov 2009 16:33:12 GMT

I know I was supposed to do a post about food, but it'll have to wait. I'm bound to talk about food in this post, so that should count, right? Right. I think part of my reluctance is because I've been thinking a little TOO much lately, about everything it seems like, and I'm just trying to cut myself a break. This is my thing, though. I'm hopelessly introspective. This is usually okay with me. However, it starts to drive me crazy when I can't figure stuff out and my head just goes in circles. Ever since Jeff and I have been talking about how civilization is not and will never be sustainable, we've been talking about BIG things. Like, how to we live moral lives in the context of our civilization? How do I make a difference? What should I teach my kids? How do I get back in touch with my landbase? How do I get back in touch with my own humanity? What should I do in terms of activism? Should Jeff and I go start an eco-village sooner rather than later? Should we focus more on urban farming and community gardening? Where do we find other people like us who we can learn from and support in lifestyle, values, parenting, etc.? What the heck should I DO? Yeah. It's like that. Swirling around in my noggin.

I'm fascinated by native American history lately. I basically want to apprentice with them 400 years ago, in this very spot, and learn all about how to live on the land and reconnect with that form of spirituality. I want to learn how they made everything and where their sacred spots were. I want to see the wild animals, and watch them interact with them. I want to see how they dealt with their children- everything from potty training, first foods, teaching them not to eat poisonous things, all of it. I want to know how they cut their toenails and how they took care of their hair. Fascinating, I tell you.

I hate that we've turned this place into a wasteland. That's the other thing, I'm kind of ruined for just mindlessly enjoying things lately. Like, there's this new parking lot in downtown Ann Arbor that I saw with my friend. I forget exactly what it's made of- something recycled- but it's porous and allows rainwater to go through to the ground, reducing runoff. This is a good thing, right? There's a big sign all about this new "sustainable development", and all I can think to say is "Oh, so it's just less destructive, and that's what we call sustainable now..." Bah. and Humbug. Jeff was talking last night about compact fluorescent bulbs, and how they are marketed like "Uses 80% less energy" convincing you that you are somehow saving the planet by buying these things. All the while, they take loads of energy to produce and are totally toxic and hard to dispose of. It's just not the whole picture. I mean, don't get me wrong, we use them all through our house and I haven't had to change a light bulb in four years... so that's cool. I see that. But ultimately maybe we should be lighting candles at night. I mean, I'm starting to look at things in a more honest light. I'm not trying to be a cynic, but no matter how many recycled parking lots and compact fluorescents we have, it's still not even slowing down the exponential destruction and toxification of the planet. This has been a tough lesson for me to learn, especially considering how much I bought into the whole personal responsibility thing. I really thought that if we all just change our lives and live consciously then we'd make a big enough difference. Now, while I do believe in the great importance of changing my own life, I think the real problem has to do with the corporations that are truly poisoning and wrecking the earth. And they've convinced us that it's good for us. And that we can help. That it's up to us! That we can buy "green" and make a difference. One person at a time, they say. No, one CONSUMER at a time! Yet THEY are the biggest problem of all. My light bulbs and water usage are not making a dent. They are toxifying our water, and making us pay for it. It's insane. You know that helpful stuff, fluoride? Well, they've got us thinking that it's good for our teeth. I've heard that if you go into your grandparents basement and find an old box of rat poison, guess what the main ingredient is? I wish I was making this up. The fact is that flouride is an industrial waste product that they couldn't find a good way to dispose of. Like I said, I wish I was making this up. How can we stand for this? That's been the real issue that's been weighing on my mind. This needs to stop. How do we stop it?

The other thing that I believe has done damage to this movement is the idea that by stopping these corporations and evil-doers of the world, we'll be somehow limiting personal freedom. What if people want their SUVs and their Walmarts and their lightbulbs and whatever? YOU can't tell them what to do. Something that Derrick Jensen said really hit home for me on this subject. He said that it's about taking away rights that were never theirs to begin with. It's like someone has come into your home and decided to put tiny amounts of poison in your food, and the food of your family. Not just that, but you're going to pay this person for this disservice. And you're going to be convinced that this is what you want. That's absurd, right? We'd kick that person out on their ass and tell them to never come back again. That's what these "rights" and "choices" are doing. Fact is, no one has the right to poison someone else's water or air or land. I can't think of anyone who would disagree with that, and yet we are all letting it happen in an enormous way. Perhaps it's too scary for people to be honest about.

Anyway, it's nice to be able to finally write about this a little. Now pictures. :)

The past week has been filled with friends and nice weather. Jeff started prepping the garden for spring, which we probably should have done last month or something, but that's how we do it around here. Just under the wire. We moved our whole house around, also. I have a before and after series coming that I'm excited about. So much change! We're having fun and this place feels really homey to me.

Halloween! Vera was a little brown cat. I could've eaten her up. It was fun to walk up and down the street with her, she was so wide-eyed and interested. I'm not sure that we're going to be conventional Halloweeners though. I never celebrated it as a kid, so it's just kind of unfamiliar, and Jeff and I have thoughts on it that I think will lead us to a fun new tradition. Sort of combining the ideas of harvest and play and dress up, community and creativity, good food, and a sort of Day of the Dead-esque look at death and our ancestry. The one thing I'm not a big fan of on this holiday is all the gore and fear surrounding death. I see that as being somewhat damaging, despite everyone's good intentions. I want to talk honestly about death and the people who have died, and try to normalize it rather than focus on how scary it is.

The other day at my parents. Tuula and Vera played in the leaves, and I decided to play too. My dad threw Vera in the leaves and she completely disappeared for a moment. I love kids and leaves.

Sweet Tuula.

My favorite. I love Tuula's struggling-to-get-up face and Vera's peacefulness.

I recently heard that about 30% of food is wasted by spoiling in the fridge. I am determined to not experience that waste this year. I've been finding creative ways to save just about everything- be it in the form of a scrumptious new dinner or just into the compost, I plan to be really conscious of using it all in some way. I've started to menu plan, which is actually turning out to be really fun. It's helping me think about what we have in storage and ration a bit better, and I'm able to see what needs preparation and plan for that so I'm never stuck making mac and cheese or something because I don't have time. So, this past week we had roast chicken with vegetables (which was so good and Vera ate a TON), chicken salad wraps with the leftovers, sprouted black bean chili (I was able to start sprouting the beans a few days before, also made with homemade chicken stock that I simmered overnight), and last night we had crock pot asian-style ribs on rice noodles with an apple carrot slaw. Oh, and leftover lasagna rolls, pictured below. I cleared out my leftovers (sweet potatoes, squash, misc. veggies) seasoned them well and rolled them up in lasagna noodles. Then I made a simple cheese sauce and added a little ground sausage and garlic to it. I baked it all up and they were a really delicious way to use all the "scraps". Menu planning is kind of awesome, and it's cool because I thought it was going to be a chore. If I have a spare moment or a meal idea, I just put it on my calendar and then think about the prep that it needs and write that stuff down in the respective slots (soaking oats, beans, etc. or just defrosting meat or something the day before). Tonight I'm making "oat cakes" which remind me of tuna cakes kind of. I mean, without the tuna. It's a good way for me to use up some of my leftover soaked oats in the fridge. I usually make an aioli for the sauce.They are good. Probably with some oven roasted potato wedges (super easy) and the rest of that slaw. So fun!

I'm still really enjoying the sun.

...and so is Maya. Check out the paw action! I love her, that snuggle pup.

Quote of the day:
"I've grown certain that the root of all fear is that we've been forced to deny who we are." (Frances Moore Lappe)

Yep.

Sat, 31 Oct 2009 03:13:24 GMT

I'm loving fall this year. It seems really colorful, and the weather has been really mild lately. Today was drizzly and breezy but 70 degrees! I stepped outside at 9:30 tonight and it was still perfectly comfortable in my indoor clothes. I can barely believe that on Sunday it will be NOVEMBER. I think my timing is off or something. I never seem to fully realize that a season is what it is until it's almost over... strange. I'd say winter is the only exception to this, but there's just something about that season that seems to go for miles longer than all the others.

This is the restaurant across the street from the food coop I go to. I never pay much attention to it, but on this day I noticed that the vines were all rainbow colored and downright lovely.

Another nice thing about all these leaves changing color and falling to the ground is all the LIGHT. Even though our front windows are south facing, our whole front yard is shaded by big maple trees. This is good for keeping the summer heat at bay, bad for my houseplants who were sorely neglected this summer (I'll do better next year!). I started to admire them again once the sun made it's way back into that big front window and onto their sad little leaves- plus I'm not making daily trips to the garden, so I'm getting my green fix where I can. I imagine them drinking all that sunshine in...

I'm also enjoying the little bit of quiet I get during Vera's naptime. There's always something I could be doing, but this past week our temporary live-in friend moved out, and it's been kind of nice to have a little more "me" time. We loved having him here- he's one of Jeff's oldest friends- but I think we were all feeling ready to reclaim our own spaces. He's actually over tonight, laughing away with Jeff. It was good for everyone, I think. Sharing a space with someone can be challenging at times, but I think the rewards are great in terms of the lessons you can learn if you're open to them. I learned some lessons in patience and humility, loyalty and principle and discernment, what it means to be honestly generous, and just generally how to be a better friend (to myself, even!). A little extra quiet after all that, though, is definitely appreciated.

I'm loving soup. Soup says things like "nourishing" and "warm" and "peace" and "this is what you can do with a bunch of random things that are about to go bad in the bottom of the fridge..." Soup is great. This was a simple eggplant/veggie/meatball soup. I'm also having fun with what I'm calling "recycled soup". Basically I make an initial soup, then we only have a serving or two left, so I build on that by adding more stock and whatever I think might work and it becomes a NEW soup! It's all very exciting. I'm finding that the subsequent soups have a much more complex flavor and are even better than the first. I have soup number three in the fridge right now, and I may go for number four. I'm wondering if it can go from a zingy black bean soup (soup number one) to something creamy or cheesy or something... This recycling thing is a major time saver, too. Instead of looking in the fridge and thinking "Oh, there's not enough soup for us, I'll have to come up with something new." or "Eeeh, we had that last night..." I can look at it with whole new eyes! Anyway. Soup. Think about it.

Dried apples. I'll admit it, it's sometimes hard to find the time to store all the food. All that food... BUT! I haven't really been thinking about it as being optional, so I just have to do it. This is the way we all should be eating, and so I'm open to finding shortcuts along the way in the name of saving some sanity and vegging out a little at night. So, apple rings? Peeling those suckers? No thanks. I just used one of those handy slicers that core and wedge them all in one swoop and put them on the dehydrator with no futher prep (aside from washing them well). They are great, and Vera loves them. The skins have a little texture, but not a bad one, and they retain more of their nutritive value versus peeled ones. Voila! Took me hardly any time at all.

I'm actually sprouting things! They are super easy and delicious. I especially like my broccoli sprouts so far. I'm also finding out something really, really, really exciting for me. I sprouted this "salad mix" that has lentils and other seeds in them. Well, I'm allergic to lentils, sadly. I'm also allergic to peas and some other random legumes. However, this summer I discovered at a chinese restaurant that I could eat pea shoots with no reaction. This got me thinking... can I eat the things I am allergic to in sprouted form? So, I gave it a shot. So far so good. I've eaten little handfuls and waited for something to happen, and so far nothing. I'm really really excited. I'm hoping I can eat lentils now if I only take a little time to sprout them first! Maybe I've just grown out of my allergy, but I know I still react to peas, so I think I'm on to something here... I'll have to take this news to my allergist.

And lastly, Vera. My baby... not so baby lately. I'd be lying if I said it didn't make me just the teeniest bit wistful. I wouldn't have it any other way, though. Every day she's making me laugh. She's spunky and smart and hilarious and so... herself. When she was a baby I was amazed by her. I loved her deeply, but in a different way. My sister and I were talking about this the other day. When they are babies you love them so much it hurts, but it's because they are your baby. Because they are new and precious and sweet and a part of you. Lately, I'm learning to love Vera because she's simply Vera. It's kind of fantastic.

*Next time- I'm doing a serious post about food. Don't let me off the hook on this one!

Quote of the day (and definitely a new favorite):
"There is nothing like a newborn baby to renew your spirit- and to buttress your resolve to make the world a better place." (Virginia Kelley)

When I'm gone

Mon, 26 Oct 2009 17:39:33 GMT

I'm undergoing a lot of change, lately. I mean, I'm always moving and growing and doing new things, but this feels different. Almost like I'm undergoing some kind of a transformation. All the new information I've been hit with in the past few months has left me feeling a little run over. Recognizing the vast and serious damage that we are doing to our beautiful, nourishing, awesome, primary earth is enough to leave me with a permanent lump in my throat. I'm dealing with feelings of uncertainty and fear, but also experiencing an awakening of spirit and purpose. I'm doing a lot of accepting and soul-searching. I've been meaning to write about these thoughts for a while now, but it's difficult when I've yet to realize what it all means. I'm starting to find the words, lately, and I hope to try to organize my thoughts here in the near future.

---
My dad and I went to a Phil Ochs tribute concert last night. It was wonderful. He wrote songs that really said something. I wish there was more of that. A few hours of protest songs put you in a... mood. I'm seeing where this will take me.

This is one of his songs (And, actually, one of the best songs I've ever heard). I tried to find the original, but happened on this cover by Ani, which is just great, so I decided to post it instead. This song is really in the vein of what I've been feeling about things lately, so with that in mind...

Quote of the day:

"There's no place in this world where I'll belong when I'm gone
And I won't know the right from the wrong when I'm gone
And you won't find me singin' on this song when I'm gone
So I guess I'll have to do it while I'm here" (Phil Ochs)

Looking back

Thu, 22 Oct 2009 01:41:46 GMT

With the garden being mostly done for the season, I find myself feeling a little nostalgic. This year was an adventure for me. I was really ambitious- venturing to even have such a large garden the first year we moved in- and I think it paid off. When I was still in the planning stages Jeff definitely had his doubts and occasionally patted me on the head to reassure me that if it didn't work out so well this year then not to worry much and not to be scared to downsize. Thankfully I shrugged his doubt off, and I was not immune from gloating here and there when he would show off our garden to a neighbor or say something like "Man, our garden kicks some serious ass!" I win. He was really so supportive, when I put my foot down and said I was doing what I wanted with it, he just rolled up his sleeves and helped me to do it. A great partner, that man. He worries too much, but I guess we balance each other out.

I managed to store a lot of food (I'll have the final tally pretty soon). I kept my expectations low and I treated garden time/research/weeding/whatever like it was a treat- a welcome respite in the midst of a hectic world. I think part of what gave me that perspective was the fact that we bought this house and I was feeling grateful about even being able to have any of it. I had so much to feel grateful for this year. I hope I stay grateful, it made work feel like play.

Anyway, I thought I'd share some pictures. The evolution of the garden, year one.

I found this on the side of the road last week on trash day. It was inside of this huge beautiful basket that I spotted (people really throw this great stuff out!) and wanted for my living room to hold blankets and yoga stuff. It felt so right, too, because engraved on the box it says "Life begins the day you start a garden." I love it.

Breaking ground. My original plan was to create kind of an hourglass shape in the yard outlined by garden, but after watching the light after all the leaves filled in, I vetoed this plan and we'll expand the garden diagonally to just beyond the shed there. It was a cool shape though.

The first of the raised beds. We had our four cedar beds (from the old house) at the far end of the garden, but when we went to the store to get more we found it was prohibitively expensive. I don't know what happened, but it jumped in price. We came home a little discouraged but then realized that we had these cement thingies bordering our trees in the front yard. We dug them out and hauled them to the back and built four more beds. We were just a little sore for the next few days. Then we made another bed bordered with bricks at the tip of the triangle there (you can see the pile of compost sitting there on the left). We also had just started the little irrigation system (made almost entirely from free drip hoses! There was a guy just giving them away one day, and so we got a bunch- this was so cool because those hoses are pricey. It was just cool how everything just kind of unraveled for us in that way).

The garden filled in with the teepee trellis I made, the herb and flower gardens (in the pots and bordering the garden).

Planted. Trellises up. Walkways partially mulched- they stayed partially mulched the whole time... We'll do it next year!

Garden in full-swing. Things are growing well up trellises, everything is pretty healthy. I had some powdery mildew on the squash and cucumbers (I've always had it), but I kept it under control by spraying the plants every few days with a milk/water mixture. It really worked!

Here you can see the climbing/trainable plants growing all the way up (and some past) the trellises. The flowers were really nice during this time too.

And this is what it looks like now. There's only some root veggies and swiss chard out there. It was so strange to clean it all up so quickly and look at it this way. I am excited for next year, though, and I'm grateful for the break from it now.

And now, some pictures from an orchard trip last weekend.

My favorite.

That's little miss Tuula there, not so little anymore! Amazing how big these girls are now.

Jeff and my brother in law, Obeth, being funny and trying to get the best apples.

And some bonus stuff.

From a frosty morning.

Kale. Before.

And after.

Just from a quiet, glowy morning.

"There can be no other occupation like gardening in which, if you were to creep up behind someone at their work, you would find them smiling." ~Mirabel Osler

Update.

Wed, 07 Oct 2009 18:32:59 GMT

It's been another eventful week, and it's only Wednesday! On Monday Max was hospitalized for a fever. He and my sister have been in the hospital for the past few days, and they were even on some kind of a swine flu alert for a little while. Everything came back clean, thankfully, and it looks like he just caught the little cold that Gretchen and Tuula had right before she went into labor. He's just so little, though, and it must've took a toll on that baby body. They're going home today, so I'll stop by there later to check on them and bring them their CSA veggies.

Just a few more weeks on the food storage front and then it'll be time to work on other things. I've still got lots of apples to pick and process to make applesauce, dried apple rings, and just plain old apple slices to can for desserts later in the year. I'm also gonna do lots of pureed pumpkin (I'm excited to try this recipe), canned collard greens (cooked with ham hocks, yum...), kale soup, and a few other odds and ends and random pickling/lacto-fermenting experiments. I just made my first batch of sauerkraut (will be done in a few more weeks), and it STINKS during the initial ferment. On day 3 I was very ready to exile it to the fridge downstairs. I love sauerkraut and can eat it with practically every meal, but this was not an appetizing process. I did it correctly and read that the smell is normal and will go away with time. Thank goodness for that research, though, because I may not have tossed it but I might not ever try it. Our friend who's living with us right now said that he would expect it to smell something like rotting cabbage... it smelled better than that, and I guess that's kind of what we're doing. We're just controlling the bacterial environment to keep it edible. So with that in mind, bon appetite! haha. I'm sure it will be delicious in a month. :)

This is what I did with all those green tomatoes.

I'm now thinking about food for the winter and how to make our stores last as long as possible. I'll be really surprised if our produce lasts the whole winter, but I'm remaining optimistic. Things to tackle for the winter include (mostly for my own reference, but if anyone is interested all the better):

Making and mastering a sourdough bread recipe that I can make weekly
Sprouting sprouting sprouting. Especially interested in mastering large sprouts that will infuse our diets with some freshness over the winter- things that come to mind are mung bean sprouts and sunflower shoots. I'm just learning, so I'm sure I'll try out a variety of things and then narrow it down from there.
Making my own tortillas. I'd love to make sprouted tortillas, although I'll have to do more research on how to sprout the grain and then process it properly.
Finding as-local-as-possible grain/oats/other bulk food sources and buying directly (I plan to store whole wheat berries in the basement in a big bin and grind them fresh- or sprout and grind them- for bread/tortillas as needed).
Making my own yogurt. I keep planning to do this, but just postpone... This Friday I'm pledging to make my first batch! I'd like to make a quart or so a week.
Having "bulk recipe days" with friends and making big quantities of things like pizza dough or soups or whatever to freeze for future easy meals.
Make my own mozzarella. I've heard it's super easy and I'd love to put big slabs of it on our homemade pizza.
Thinking about alternatives. I want to really localize, but coconut oil is just not that... so I'm trying to think about phasing these things out without compromising our health and happiness.
Making meal plans. Taking on these new things will likely overwhelm me some in the coming weeks. So simplifying things and making a schedule will only take a few extra minutes every week and will leave me with a concrete idea of what kind of prep is needed for each meal and what ingredients we have. It'll also help me strategize and keep us eating a variety of food so that nothing is left lonely in the back of the freezer for months on end.

Other, non-food related goals:

knitting. I'm just a beginner, really, and I just want to keep getting better. It just seems like a good idea to keep flexing that creative muscle even when you're vegging on the couch or waiting in the doctor's office. Right now I'm working on a special doll for Tuula (cuz now she's a big sister!)
sewing. I have several projects in mind and so my goal is really just to set up my sewing area and bust those things out. It'll be very cleansing, I think.
Start drawing/painting/playing guitar again. This stuff got pushed to the side when I started doing... well, everything else, so I'd like to rekindle some of that because I really loved it.
set up/plan the garden for spring. Also do something with my totally shaded front yard so that it's not a total bore.
Figure out about where to get chickens, build the coop. The coop will likely wait until the spring, but seeing as how we aren't buying new materials and we are going to attach a greenhouse to it, we'll need to do some designing and creative scavenging to make it happen.
Get acquainted with more local scavenging resources. I'd like to find junkyards and meet the people who run them. I'd like to find untended fruit trees and other foraging areas and get educated about how to identify what's edible and what's not. Um, wild mushroom omelette, anyone? I'd like to go along with some seasoned dumpster divers and learn their tricks. I might make a few new friends!
Book club.
Take a class on herbs. I'm really interested in that stuff, and my love for it all came flooding back when I was mixing the postpartum herbal bath for my sister. I remembered how wonderful that stuff was in healing me, and it also made Vera's cord fall off in 4 days! Normally that takes like 2 weeks. It was cool. I tend to feel headachey and nauseous with chemically things, even stuff that's supposed to smell nice like lotions and stuff. Essential oils and things, and straight herbs are intoxicating to me, though, and I'd love to learn how to make my own tinctures and stuff. I also am a big fan of preventative medicine, and if I can learn how to use herbs to keep us healthy, that'd be awesome too. Like red raspberry leaf tea. I drank that all through pregnancy and when I finally got my period back I had almost zero cramps for months. The only time they made an appearance was months later when I had gotten out of the habit of drinking it and was drinking way more coffee. It got me thinking...
Get my master gardener certification, or at least start the process.
Work on making money in alternative ways so that Jeff can cut down to part time and spend more time with us.

I don't think I'll be bored this winter!

Vera. Her hair is getting so long! Anyway, I was at this mom-to-mom sale and got her some new warm footie pajamas. What is it with kids and kicking off blankets? The middle of the night icicle-feet on my stomach was getting a little old, and I worry that she's cold at night. Anyway, I got her three of these and this one was too cute not to take pictures of.

It got even better when she decided to put on her cat hat.

I just love this kid.

And some of my sweet Maya. This day I had put laundry all over the couch, but that didn't stop her!

Let's get a close up on that dangle! She's such a funny dog sometimes.

Oooh, tonight is extra special because Jeff and I were invited to sit in on a class at EMU where Derrick Jensen is skyping in! This is really cool. Jensen is this author we're totally obsessed with right now, so it's kind of a big deal to us. I'm sure I'll write more about this later.

Quote of the day:
"“What I fear and desire most in this world is passion. I fear it because it promises to be spontaneous, out of control, unnamed, beyond my reasonable self. I desire it because passion has color, like the landscape before me. It is not pale. It is not neutral. It reveals the backside of the heart.” (Derrick Jensen)

Ahem!

Thu, 01 Oct 2009 01:54:35 GMT

It's been an eventful couple of days! My dear sister went ahead and gave birth yesterday morning, despite the chat we had the night before all about her cold (she was getting kind of sniffly and blah feeling) and how her body will likely wait and so on. Five hours of active labor and here is the sweetest little boy. They named him Max.

(L to R: Brother in law, Obeth; spunky and excited big sister Tuula; beautiful sister Gretchen; and little Max)

It never ceases to amaze me. Sometimes we forget this, but what else to we have in this life if not the love for each other? Being with my sister the past couple of days has really brought back memories- of labor, of those first few days, of all the infant things- that tiny curled up body and all the newness everywhere, their incredibly soft foreheads and hands, all of it... It's hard work, but there's nothing that compares to the entrance of a new life. Amazing.

The new season seemed to sweep right in just as Max entered the scene. The weather is so crisp and cool, it made me fall in love with autumn all over again. It was strange this year, I loved summer more than ever. I think it had to do with a number of things- I was mobile again after a summer pregnant and so exhausted I barely remember it, then a summer newly postpartum and not feeling as physically myself, and then this year I've been energized and active with a little girl on my hip. I have a new connection to the summer earth and what it gives me, and while I've never been a big fan of heat, I felt like I was able to get over that this year and just... sweat it out and be happy anyway. Flowy skirts and new tattoos never hurt, either.
Anyway, I was a little sad to think of this beautiful summer coming to an end, but then there's this weather! I love it. I love my scarves and the way my face feels after a good walk. I love the food that comes with this season and wanting to be warmed by it. I love tucking under a blanket each night. I love the smell of leaves on the ground and all the color! I love love love this time. It only took me a day and a new nephew to remember. Oh, and apple picking yesterday with one of my oldest friends. A bag full of fresh beautiful apples and some donuts and cider are what it's ALL ABOUT. I'm a happy Grace these days.

Becky. One of my all-time favorite people. Vera had fun at the orchard, too. She kept taking one bite out of each of the fallen apples and then throwing it back down. She does this with freshly picked tomatoes, too... Now she keeps walking around the house saying "Dohnaaaght" because she loved the donuts so much.

There's a frost due tonight, so when I got home from helping my sister this afternoon I put Vera down for a nap and did my best to harvest all that I could. It's sort of sad to think about tucking this baby away for the winter, but I'm ready for the break. I'm ready for different things- maybe I could actually finish a book and a knitting project or two! I'm also ready to start planning for next year's garden- it's going to be SO exciting.

So many green tomatoes. I am excited to try this recipe. The next couple of days will be filled with canning and pesto and more pesto and saurkraut and pickling peppers and drying. I set up this area in the dining room with the dehydrator to save space in the kitchen- I named it the "Dehydration Station". I just like saying that. Anyway, right now my house is filled with the smell of rosemary and sage.

I had to include this one because I can't get over how cute Vera is in her fall clothes. I just cuddle her like crazy these days. Whattalittlemunckin! Little hats and overalls and sweaters... I can't wait to play in the snow with her.

Happy Fall everyone!

Quote of the day:
"No one who has ever brought up a child can doubt for a moment that love is literally the life-giving fluid of human existance." -Smiley Blanton

I really love sushi, especially...

Sat, 26 Sep 2009 16:53:23 GMT

I got that tattoo I wanted. It's funny. It's so meaningful to me, and yet I haven't been inclined to really discuss it with people who have asked. I just tell them I'd wanted it for a while and that it's pretty and I've always liked the tree of life and all that, which is true of course... I guess it's just that it's more personal than I knew. I mean, obviously it's there to be seen, as well, but having gotten it I feel like it's just sinking in and I've yet to realize what it fully means to me yet. In some ways it felt like I'd taken some kind of a plunge into the deep. Especially while I was getting it, I kept thinking "This is it, I'm serious about this now, there's no turning back..." It felt like I was making a promise to myself.

I attribute this image, now scarred forever into my skin, as being symbolic of my dedication to the natural world, to love and to truth, to those around me (both human and nonhuman), and to my very spirit. I can no longer stand by and watch as our home and our bodies are poisoned and not do my best to stop it. I mean, so many people just watch from the sidelines, scared and abused so long that they can't even mobilize and get themselves out, let alone stop feeding the monster. I will not be one to forget, and I won't be one to do nothing. That's what this means to me. It means I'm in for a great deal of change... I'd be a liar if I said I wasn't just the tiniest bit uneasy about it all, but I know in my heart it's the right thing.

---
Jeff and I had a talk recently about family size. I have always really admired and loved bigger families that I've known, and so I had this vision of having half a dozen kids or something, and we'd all live busily and happily and have a very large eating table and a warm house and... yeah. We both come from families with 4 kids in them, so we thought that sounded reasonable. As we grow in this way of life, though, the harder it is to justify that choice. We are just too many in number, us humans. Really it's not about number, it's about consumption. But we can't seem to get a handle on that, we are killing the planet, and I truly believe there are just too many of us. I decided that three kids was a good compromise, and we talked about how if all the environmentalists stop raising kids then who are we left with, and so on. Then Jeff and I had a tough talk about it and finally settled on two. Two kids. We'll live simply and hopefully find a way to be self-sustaining (or as close as we can be) and pass on those skills to our kids . Who knows what the future will bring, but we have control over this aspect of our lives, and it's just... seeming right.
I got to thinking about why I saw this decision as being a bit of a loss, and it's been enlightening. I realized why I love big families so much, and it's because they were living so naturally together- working side by side, sharing all that they had. I think kids that had many siblings had many advantages in terms of learning about the value of simple work, sharing, interdependence, the list goes on and on. The families I knew were so beautiful together. I realized that I don't have to birth many children to have this- I can find that community all around me. My instincts in this area are good, I just have to figure out how to fulfill those needs for community in different ways. I think this will be good.

Giving birth was the most primal, natural, powerful thing I've ever done. It connected me to life in a new way, and now I'm always trying to see that truth in other things, trying to remember that feeling. It actually doesn't take much to find it, it's everywhere. It's lead me down this very distinct path, one that I am excited about and welcome, but is not entirely within my comfort zone. It's scary in some ways, but I also trust it. Just like giving birth was a little scary (mostly because of the unknown, really), it was also empowering and enlightening. I'm starting to think that returning to truth is this way, too. It's rocking my whole foundation- we're so good at pretending we aren't the animals that we are, that we can modify and fix ourselves- to eliminate pain and suffering and outsource all of our needs so that we are just civilized echos of what we used to be. But I don't think that's right. I don't think that gets us where we need to and really want to be.

If we follow a path of love then we most certainly open ourselves up to the potential for great pain. I think these two things exist side by side. The deeper I love those around me, the harder it will hurt when/if they leave me. It's just science, really. I've been meditating on this when I contemplate making these changes in my life. Some of it is uncomfortable to realize. I have to let go of my dependency on things that really (seem to) make me happy. One of the most obvious examples is the food that we eat. We were only eating vegetarian/fish when we went out to eat, because of the obvious reasons (factory farming and tortured animals and all that...), but then we realized that's not good enough. We realized that the fishing industry is enormously harmful, even if the fish aren't tortured in an obvious way. It's damage to the oceans and underwater ecosystems is catastrophic, and we will soon see the damage in our everyday lives. Then we thought about tofu/veggie options, and it's the same. Industrial agriculture is unbelievable harmful. Pesticides, herbicides, water usage, industrial runoff into the groundwater, the decimation of natural habitats, all of it. This all comes at a horrible cost. So for a little while we went out and ate what we wanted (inexcusably, really, we just felt limp about it). Now we have to fully address it. There are a few restaurants around that serve food that we can eat, but mostly we have to eat in. We did mostly anyway, but I will miss things. I'll miss sushi. I'll miss coffee. I'll miss chocolate. I'll miss convenience. I'll miss pretending it was okay.
This is not without it's "painful" side effects. But I'm counting on that pendulum swing- I'm counting on realizing the love on the other side of all this uncomfortable change. I'm already realizing some of it, and that helps give me momentum. Clearing my conscience is a good start. We're healthier for these changes, certainly. We're connecting with ourselves and each other in a way that we never have before. Jeff and I are way closer and more intimate (somewhat unexpectedly) due to these changes. That encourages me, it's already some of the fruit of our efforts. It starts with taking a chance, though. Diving in, making the commitment. I realize I've only just begun. So that's my project these days. I'm trying to be honest.

Quote of the day:

"And could you keep your heart in wonder at the daily miracles of your life, your pain would not seem less wondrous than your joy;
And you would accept the seasons of your heart, even as you have always accepted the seasons that pass over your fields." (Kahlil Gibran)

Yum.

Sat, 19 Sep 2009 18:56:19 GMT

Life is lovely lately. Things are cooling down around here, both literally and figuratively, and we're feeling a little more relaxed overall. Jeff and I have actually been sitting down together at the end of the night- and it only took us two evenings to finish a movie! Amazing! It's perfect timing for this lull considering that my dear sister is due with baby number two in about 2 weeks. She's also just closed on her new house (only about 2 miles from me, woohooo!) and I anticipate being with her a lot in the next few weeks. Little Tuula will be a big sister, not to mention how enormous my little Vera will be next to the newest grandbaby. Ah, new life. Her pregnancy has been so seasonal, too, with everything growing and turning color and getting ready to store up for the winter. Anyway, I can't help but think of her as "ripe" in these last few days.

Another harvest. Peppers, tomatoes, basil, who knows what else. I'm slowly chipping away at it all, but I'm serious about this local food thing, so I've been storing things most nights. I'm just such a newbie, so finding out how to organize all my thoughts on this stuff, how to inventory and track our needs through the year, etc. Well, lets just say I'm counting on time and experience to help me out in the coming years. My ambition hasn't hurt me yet, it's only helped me to grow.

Salsa. Can't have too much salsa for the year.

And tomatoes. Oh those tomatoes. This is an average canned amount from a harvest from my garden. I love canning different colored tomatoes together. Maybe that's part of why I love swiss chard so much... Oh the colors! Anyway, my friends who have much more space than I do (and were all done canning their tomatoes for the year... ya hear that? ALL DONE?! Who knew it was possible!), let me take home a bunch of their tomatoes, so I spent the other evening canning those and the two batches that were cluttering up my counter from my own garden, and ended up with 21 quarts (formerly 22. One broke.).
Anyway, I'm getting the hang of this canning thing. I don't really mind it either. It's not nearly the job that people make it out to be. It's actually kind of zen, I think. I will say it's a heck of a lot easier to do with someone to watch the toddler that's usually hanging on your leg asking to nurse right that second, but I digress. I like canning. I've decided to like it. I mean, anything can be an unwanted job, but I'm not going to make this one of them. Cuz I have control like that. Yep, I can just make it a good time. And aren't they pretty?

At our canning party the other day, my friend (who is a master canner) said that there's nothing like the popping of the lids at the end of the evening that tell you everything is sealing up just right. I thought that was a nice thought, and so I was sure to appreciate the subtle pop pop pop at the end of my big canning night. We will eat this winter!

I've been experimenting with pesto, too. It's so easy to freeze flat in freezer bags, and is SO appreciated in the winter. Pesto just seems to brighten everything up, especially in January. Anyway, basil pesto is great, but this year I made nasturtium pesto and arugula pesto, both really delicious. I also think it's a good way to use those greens because they do have a stronger taste to them, and are really nicely mellowed with the nuts and garlic and oil (I add parmesan later before serving).

Oooh! And I had an idea about what to do with all the leftover tomato skins and seeds that turned out to be really delicious. I'll post a recipe when I get the amounts down, but it's basically like a tapenade sort of thing- really flavorful and tomatoey, great to spread on crackers or crostini and serve to guests or whatever. I'm really excited about just thinking of ways to reduce waste, and I think this recipe is definitely a keeper. I almost want to ask for people's leftover tomato skins to make as much of this as I can. It could make a great (and practically free) gift.

I really have to do a lot of this stuff with baby right by my side, and I've found that an almost sure way to reduce- if not entirely eliminate- whining is to involve her in some way. I usually set her up with something, often she's at the sink with a bowl and a spoon and a trickle of water. She's learned all about "hot", and I'm not too worried about her even when I'm really cooking and she's right next to me. My little helper!

Kombucha. I will never get tired of this stuff.

Lunch. Turnip and kale soup, grilled cheese, homemade pickle, kombucha.

My dad reading to Vera and Tuula. Can you believe how big they are now? Weren't they just born? And then next fall there will be three of them! Amazing.

It's not a great picture, but I just loved her face here. She's got such a personality lately, and her words are just exploding. She's really coming into herself. I love listening to her explain things. She'll look at me with a serious face and say "Papa. Pillow." and point to his pillow. I'll say "Yeah, that's papa's pillow!" and she'll just say "Yeah." and have this look of accomplishment. This is how it goes for most things- people and spaces and whatever. She seems so pleased with herself, to know the names of things, to understand belonging and purpose and... it's just cool.

I just want my damn fruit cup.

Wed, 09 Sep 2009 17:54:44 GMT

In kindergarten we'd all stand in this line to get a snack- usually a fruit cup and some milk or something. Apparently a little boy decided that I was the perfect person to cut in line, repeatedly, for most of the year. Nothing really came of it, until one day, I went nuts on him. I guess I threw quite the fit, and my teachers were really shocked that sweet, patient, quiet little Gracie had just blown a fuse on this kid. I guess the little boy was scared straight and it never happened again. I don't remember this, but my mom tells me this story, and it just makes sense to me. We all have our own personality quirks, and this happens to be a big one of mine.

I have to keep an eye on myself, sometimes. Almost like I'm looking down on things from above. I need perspective, otherwise I find myself in these situations- having given far too much of myself without realizing it, until I am left almost completely dry and I go into this survival mode. It understandably surprises those around me, when I suddenly cease up and shut down or start to demand things. On the one hand, I am very aware that this is uniquely "my problem", in the sense that I need to be able to create healthy boundaries and ask for help when I need it. This is something I am working on, and am getting much better at, although it's difficult for me to know what I need before I reach that point. I think there are a few reasons for this problem. The first being that I really value generosity and kindness and graciousness. I think being that way makes me more of those good things, and I build muscle in that area and am able to handle more than before. I want to push myself in these ways, I would rather be overwhelmed by others than all alone and unable to spread any love. I recognize that I need to get better at identifying what I need and asking for it, before I get to the point of breaking.

On the other hand, I see ways in which I do ask for what I need, in that healthy way, and yet people ignore or stall on it, and then I end up in that place again. I think that occasionally I do get taken advantage of, but it's never really intentional or malicious, it just has to do with my much more passive personality and someone else's more energy-intensive or more self-centered (in the nicest sense of the word) personality. I end up asking myself what they need from me much more than they ask themselves what I need from them. A pattern develops, and it's just complicated and not any one person's fault.
Or it has to do with the volume of things, like there are far too many people asking me for things, and so on an individual level it wouldn't make sense to ask them for anything more (or less, depending on the situation), but collectively I'm giving far to much of myself and unable to figure out how to tackle it or to get what I need. Last night was one of those circumstances. It wasn't any one event or person that set me over the edge, but I found myself grabbing a bowl of ice cream and shutting myself away in our exercise space to watch a movie by myself. I did this very abruptly without saying goodbye to my friend who was over or explaining to anyone that I needed a little time alone. I realize now that I was too overwhelmed to even deal with any questions about it or I might have just burst into tears. I can give myself a break on this one, I'd had like a week straight of just people people people everywhere and a baby who I'm pretty sure is in a growth spurt and likes to nurse all night, and I just... felt tired. It was as simple as that, nothing anyone had done wrong, or anything I had done wrong, I just needed to go- right then- and be by myself.

I struggle with getting what I need and feeling like I have that "empty tank". To some degree I love feeling needed and I nurture these relationships and I truly don't want to rid myself of any one of them. These responsibilities are natural. To live in a community and provide for one another is really one of the most important things to me. However, I have felt less support about it than I'd like to have, like this value is just not shared by as many people around me as I'd like, and yet everyone seems to benefit from it in some way. I guess I think that I'm up against a lot if the community doesn't return the favor. Like, we've had a lot of house guests and company lately, and I've heard a bunch of comments about how we're (Jeff & I) kind of crazy for having all these people here, and that we should just chill out or something, but it's not like we've actively sought it out or anything, we've just been open. Plus, this always comes from people who have asked for our attention and help, so it doesn't make much sense to me. In some ways it makes me feel overwhelmed for the first time, seeing that people are starting to judge what we do rather than support it, or that maybe I'm missing something. We had friends stay with us this weekend (on top of our friend moving in downstairs and our friend living in our other spare room for the past couple of months) and we had two family events and a "canning party", all this past weekend- plus trying to finish the downstairs apartment. It was busy, for sure! I was thinking it would be fun and lively, and everyone would just help themselves and each other, and we'd spread out outside or whatever we needed for space. My friend who shares my feelings on this was really encouraging and said that she loved that kind of thing, and was nothing but positive about it (I love you, Lindsay, you were great to have around). We talked about choosing to be light hearted and fun about it. It was good and empowering. Later after they left I heard a rumor that our friend who's been staying with us has thought about leaving recently because of all the people (this, after he'd just asked us to stay for a few more months), and that left a bitter taste in my mouth. I can't deny folks their boundaries, you know, and to some degree I think I need a little space for the next few days to just take care of myself, but I don't know. Some of my other friends have made comments that weren't meant to be criticizing, but they just weren't helpful. It brings me down, especially when it's in the context of "I want to spend time together, quit spending time with other people..." or like "I can't live like you do, it seems crazy to me, but I admire it." The last one was a tough case to crack for me, because there's nothing inherently wrong with it. I think it's just that I'd like to hear less opinions and less comments, and more encouragement and participation. I just don't want to be cast as an outsider because of my values and choices, although I'm finding that I may just be that. Whatever.

I'm really glad that Jeff and I are a team in all this. He lets me be weak and just figure my shit out... and I do the same for him with his crazy anxiety. This morning I talked his ear off and came away so much better for it. I only wish that he wasn't spread so thin on the other side- he's always working on some project and it feels hard to reach each other until we collapse in each other's arms at night. At least there's that, some people don't even have that much. And in the quiet of the night, before Vera starts her relentless nurse-fest, we whisper about the importance of loving each other and our friends, the blessing that is this house and our ability to share it, how passionate we feel about life and our ability to do the right things, and how well we're doing. All said and done, I'm really happy. I'm learning though, and those frazzled moments are for my benefit really, even if it feels like weakness and doubt at the time.

September already...

Wed, 02 Sep 2009 19:20:53 GMT

I love autumn. I really do. It was a bit strange, though, to wear a sweater on my birthday. I don't know that I've ever done that. Anyway, the wave of cooler weather has been welcome around here (and will continue to be unless there is an unexpected frost- my veggies are not finished!). My birthday was beautiful and I felt really loved and supported. What more could a girl ask for? It's good to be 20-something and in love and happily mama-ed and content. I lead a very fulfilling life, all told. That day I was bursting with gratitude for all the love around me, and I spent a lot of time reflecting on it. Not a bad way to spend a day, eh?

I picked some flowers out of the garden and put them on the table to make the day a little more festive. Next year I hope to have lots of flowers planted so I can do this more.

We were out at this little hole-in-the-wall Korean place that I love. Kimchi... mmmmm. That night my dad and Vera were playing a strange chopstick game... They are so cute together.

She's getting so big, isn't she? On Monday she got her bangs trimmed for the very first time! She had never had a hair cut before. She's also been asking for a "pony" and when I put her hair up it almost all fits into the band (and is psychotically adorable)! It's just crazy, is all. She's still my baby, but I see those little baby days just slipping right by me and here we are with this joyful and feisty kid. I'm loving it all.

I'm also loving this picture that my dad took of her the other day. It just slays me.

The day after my birthday Jeff treated me to a day of rest with just our family. It was exactly what I needed. We slept in together, ate our meals slowly and talked, and we took a long walk down to this old graveyard near our house that I think is just one of the most peaceful and beautiful places around. The pictures don't do it justice at all.

I love this one, despite its blurriness, because you can see Vera mid-fall. I'm sure Jeff and I said "Ka boom!" right after I snapped it.

I find that each year that goes by I'm attracted to simpler things. Things are complicated enough as it is! This is definitely true when it comes to my food. I'm learning to keep things easy and fresh. I'm learning more and more about what is healthful and nourishing, and it leads me in a direction that takes time in other ways. Rather than slaving over the stove for one meal, I'm making a simple meal and storing much of it for later by either freezing it, drying it, or canning it. I have to think ahead now and soak my flour or oats or beans overnight. Soon I'm going to begin making our own yogurt and tortillas and sourdough bread, and also learning how to grow sprouts throughout the winter. It takes a little bit of extra work now, eating the way that we do, so when things can stay simple I tend to keep them that way. Thankfully, this only enhances my ability to be creative, and I find that when I focus my energies on using what's available I end up with recipes that I love and will make again and again.

This was a very satisfying lunch- green beans and tomatoes and tarragon out of the garden, tossed with Israeli couscous in some lemon and butter and parmesan, and a little Celtic sea salt. Yum.

The garden is booming, despite the battle I've been having with powdery mildew (it's been a wet season and most people I know are dealing with a lot of it. I have been mixing water and milk and spraying it on the leaves and it's actually improving things! Yay natural alternatives!). This is an average harvest size lately. Lots of tomatoes, hot peppers galore, the last of the broccoli, herbs and green beans and swiss chard... and we're still eating salads! I'm already excited for next year and what we could do on this little piece of land...

It's starting! I'm not complaining, but didn't this summer just fly by? I suppose it's not technically over, but it just was so busy for us that I feel a little sad that it's close to over already... I actually really enjoyed the heat and sun this year, and I'm usually not that into it. Anyway, I'm sure the pregnant mamas I know are feeling differently, so I'll just zip it right there. ;)

Oh, in other news- Dill (our other rat) died. We knew it was coming because he was old and Walter died a few months ago. I watched him go, and it really got to me that day. We buried him next to Walt, and it was okay. The strange thing, though, was that the minute he was gone Vera came over to the cage and said "Buh bye!" and then promptly asked me for milk. It was almost like she knew.

Quote of the day:
"Do not fear death so much, but rather the inadequate life." -Bertolt Brecht

That's all right...

Wed, 26 Aug 2009 16:06:15 GMT

I recently read this and it inspired me. I've been really trying to embrace my life and my humanity, learning to separate what is worthy of change and what is not. The more I learn about what matters to me, the more confused I am sometimes about what we (as humans) spend our time worrying about. The backwards questions we ask ourselves... "Am I attractive enough?" not "Am I healthy enough?" or "Does my house look good enough?" not "Am I living a life that reflects my beliefs and my morals?" I don't know, these are bad examples. But truly, I have my fair share of superficial and unrealistic standards for myself. Oddly enough, those standards generally don't extend to other people. I love it when I enter a house that is slightly messy and lived in. It validates me and makes me feel at home. I might admire someone with a spotless house, but it's not necessarily going to put me at ease, and so it begs the question- what are we doing this for? Now, I love to make my space feel nice- and being clean and making things colorful and pretty are a part of that for me, but I often feel like I can't live up to the standards I've set for myself- especially the ones that have to do with image. Anyway, I don't have all the answers. I don't know which standards are unreasonable or which are purposeful. I do know that I like to see the imperfections. They aren't imperfections at all to me- just proof that we are evolving and changing beings, and so similar, all working for good and growth and... I just like it.

Anyway, here's a look into my unruly and beautiful life, behind the scenes.

This plant is barely surviving, and I keep trying to remember to water it but forget for weeks at a time. It looks dead, but it's not. It is just slowly dying. It's tucked away in a corner of the house and I forget to go there when I'm watering the other plants. It's just pure lame on my part. Poor thing.

Sometimes I pretend that things are clean enough by putting them all in separate and relatively sorted bins rather than actually organizing them or putting them away.

I put on this one cartoon for Vera when I really want to get stuff done. I told myself I wouldn't ever do this, but I do it all the time. Thankfully she watches about 3 minutes before she's on to the next thing.

Maya sheds a lot, and I don't vacuum nearly enough. I just crouch down on the floor and take pictures of the hair and then post them on the internet for everyone to see. Hmm...

The other day we were going to give Vera a little naked-in-the-yard-water time, but when I took off her diaper there was a poo-splosion (I didn't even smell it!). We were caught outside without a wipe or anything and so Jeff swung her around by the arms and ran around the yard while I hurried inside for a wipe. It was just one of those "Oh shit!" moments that happen so often around here.

Quote of the day:

"I'm okay
If you get me at a good angle
And you're okay
In right the sort of light
We don't look
Like pages from a magazine
But that's all right
Oh baby, that's all right
Oh baby that's all right"

-Ani Difranco

And then shake it up.

Thu, 20 Aug 2009 17:44:09 GMT

Is it weird that the weather often matches how I'm feeling? Perhaps I'm just looking for it. Today is calm and cool and a little drizzly. So nice. I'm listening to lots of appropriate music, too. Lots of Nick Drake and Martin Sexton. Oooh how I love some Martin Sexton.

I've been working hard lately. I really like work... mostly. I helps that it's all work for those that I love, for my life. It's all relevant work. I see now that the ways in which I was lazy or distracted in my youth or in my pre-baby life had less to do with my work ethic and more to do with the fact that it didn't make sense to me. I didn't see my purpose in it. I mean, yeah, I could make sense out if it if I wanted. Mostly that came down to some version of "don't get in trouble", which I don't think is a good reason to do anything. Then it was about money, which is a fancier version of "don't get in trouble". My life now, though, with it's fair share of overwhelmed, brow-wiping, sigh-heaving moments, is so gratifying. I do the things I do because I want to. I want to nourish my family and friends. I want a warm and easy home. I want to be strong and healthy. I want to watch things grow strong and healthy with my care. I want to foster love in everything I do. It's all happening!

Jeff and I are actively working to rid ourselves of our dependency on a system that keeps us working too hard for things that don't matter and are ultimately destructive. I always wonder where I'll be in another year. Things change so fast for us. I've basically settled on the realization that, to quote Derrick Jensen, "civilization is not, and can never be, sustainable." Yeah... I'll talk more about this in a separate entry, but this realization is going to affect many aspects of my life and thoughts. I no longer am holding on to the misconception that we can maintain this way of life, not by a long shot. I suppose I wasn't really hanging onto that idea, but there was a part of me that was kind of waiting until we cleaned this all up and worked it out. So. We have been really thinking hard about how to deal with this, and ultimately how to live our lives in a moral way. It isn't easy to think about. We feel as if our whole foundation is being shaken. However, it's also clear to us that if we don't shake our own foundation then it will crumble beneath us, and I'd prefer to change my own life thankyouverymuch. I'm also dealing with feelings of anger towards the majority of human life- for their unwillingness to change, for their destructiveness, for their shortsightedness and selfishness. I know we can do better than this, and I believe we're worth saving. But damn, can we be destructive and stupid little buggers. It leaves me a little stranded at times. I now see all sorts of ways in which my life is destructive, and it's hard for me to see how to change it. All the more reason TO change it, I think. I'm sure there are loads of people who feel that way, unable to move forward. If we can do it, then so can they. All it takes is me, and then you. And then we are us. And then we have a new world. I have to keep that in mind every day. That as complicated as it can seem, it really is that simple. I guess, what I mean to say is, it's hard to do, but it's simple. We know how to fix this problem, we just don't do it. I'm trying to figure out how to do it now, because I have no more excuses.

I've got lots of before and after posts coming. We've just done so much with the house and we want to record it in some way. I love before and after pictures. One really good thing creating an apartment in our basement does (aside from making a home for a good friend), is it forces us to go through all our shit. I think it's amazing that we are going to be fully unpacked only 6 months after moving in. Wild. I was sure it would take us years. I've also been able to seriously purge. I don't know how we collected all this crap that we don't need, or even look at, but convince ourselves to keep in a box somewhere "just in case". I'm really trying to teach myself discernment in that area. It's harder than it sounds.

Now, pictures of flowers, garden, and baby.

I'm loving all of the new color in the garden. With tomatoes ripening, it's just beautiful out there.

The old owners left us with all sorts of viney pretty things, and this one looks like it's going to bloom! I'll have to figure out the names of these things...

Turnips!

Chard!

It's getting harder and harder to get a picture of this little one. But that won't stop me from trying!

A sea of kale. Yum.

Quote of the day:
"I've got a little faith on the table
Find a little hope in the jar
There's got to be sanity 'round here somewhere
And then shake it up. " (Martin Sexton)

Simply...

Sat, 15 Aug 2009 02:26:12 GMT

I've been away. I miss writing. I pledge to do it more in the next few months. I need the outlet. Lately my life has been flooded- in a good way- with people and events and the bustle of the summer. Our house seems almost constantly full, I'm always making a big pot of food or trying to quell the laundry/housework monster, the garden is starting to throw vegetables at me, and... I've been a little swept up in it all. Recently I've been thirsty for a little time to call my own, and writing always served to loosen that hinge just a little, allowing me some time to remember what it's all about... I think there's been so much on my mind that whenever I start to think about sitting down to write, the words start to overwhelm me and I can't even begin. But, as with most of the good things in my life, it starts somewhere simple.

So for today, just a simple little peek into what makes me smile.

My daughter. Love of my life, light of my soul.

Jeff and I were talking the other day about what our lives would be like without her, and it was so crazy to us. We were giving each other startled looks and saying things like "What the hell kind of life would that be? Who wants that life? We'd probably be doing something really... dumb." I mean... life is SO GOOD with her in it.

Tomatoes.

Yellow, red, pink, round, pear-shaped, bulbous, juicy, bursting, warm, refreshing, luscious tomatoes. I love the way tomato plants smell on my skin. I love big, gluttonous slices of tomatoes. The only thing I dislike about them is that I've been spoiled for store bought. I'd rather wait until the next summer than bear the disappointment that is a grainy winter tomato.

Just some things that make me smile.

Birth rantings...

Tue, 11 Aug 2009 15:53:38 GMT

I attended my second birth as a doula this past weekend. It was a good experience, overall. I was with her for about 20 hours, all said and done. In the beginning there wasn't much for me to do. I just stayed with her and helped keep things light. I commended her on how well she was handling contractions and got her water and juice. We walked and walked. Then later things got heavier. Her doctor wanted to break her water, and it was after that happened that things got more intense for her. From that point on I got to do a lot of physical support. I'm still a little sore in the shoulders. It was definitely a good experience for me in that respect. I was happy to help her, and it was pretty easy to read what she wanted and what wasn't working. I just followed her lead. She was so strong and beautiful through it, it was a really cool thing to see. I definitely caught the birth buzz in that room. There were interventions that she wanted (some pain management in the end), and part of what I have to do in this role is just leave my bias at the door. The most important thing for me to do is to empower and support her, and in that way I felt like I did my best.

In some ways it is hard though, when I watch her being given false information and false choices. A couple of examples:

This client was open to an epidural and some IV medication, but only after trying more natural pain management techniques. She wanted to try positions and walking and the physical and emotional support I had to offer, then she wanted to try the water, then maybe an epidural after all of that. In her last prenatal appointment before the birth, she called me to tell me she was going to just get the epidural and no longer wanted a water birth. I asked what changed her mind, and she explained that she'd been essentially given the choice between the water birth and the drugs, and because she didn't want to be stuck in pain somewhere down the line, she better just go with the drugs. I was confused. We talked it over, and she realized that we could stick to her plan, there was no reason for her to make that choice now. The only thing is that when/if she chose the epidural, she'd have to stay in bed and water wouldn't be an option any more. Apparently at her appointment her doctor told her "Oh no, you want the epidural."
Anyway, I was thinking it may have just been a misunderstanding and that the doctor was just explaining that she couldn't do both at the same time. However, later when she was laboring at the hospital, the nurse (a friend of mine) discreetly told me that my client's doctor expressed frustration about her resistance to the epidural, saying something like "Ugh, it'd be so much easier!" She and I were confused about that- I'm not sure what would make her job easier, but it brought that conversation back to mind, and got me thinking it wasn't a misunderstanding at all. Her doctor probably did present it in a way that made her think she had to choose. On the epidural front- she was also told that she "didn't have to be a martyr" and "this could go on for hours. You don't want to be so tired later that you can't even push!" Whatever.

They were also pretty pushy about pitocin. We had to sort of dance around them and bargain with them to keep that intervention at bay (which we ended up succeeding in- no pitocin the whole time! Is it sad that it feels a little like a victory?). Anyway, she had told me before hand that she did NOT want pitocin. When they offered it to her though (over and over), she felt kind of pressured and scared that her labor was not "adequate". I reminded her that she had a choice (they often presented these things as if they were just going to DO them, and they were just informing her. It's so bizarre.). I said "I know you said before that you didn't want pitocin. Do you still feel the same way?" And to that I got a surprised and stormy look from the doctor- I don't think they are questioned very often. I also asked if there were any risks, which also seemed to catch them off guard (am I crazy for thinking they should routinely discuss risks with their patients?!). Anyway, they kept coming back, and at one point one of the residents said "Now, it's not your fault, it's nothing that you're doing wrong, but for some reason these contractions just aren't doing the job that they are supposed to... pitocin would just help you along." Now- a little context. She was at 7/8 cm. 7 to 8! I wanted to stare him in the face and say "Wow, so how'd she dilate this far with such inadequate contractions? Huh?" To make the situation even more absurd, she was having strong, piggybacking contractions AS HE WAS SAYING THIS. Thankfully our new nurse (my friend was off her shift at that point) was on our side and didn't see the benefit to making these already frequent and strong contractions any harder. The doctors easily listened to the nurse, but not to my client. Why were they pushing this? She had been at 7/8 for about 3 hours at that point, but I don't see how that's abnormal or bad as long as mama and baby are healthy and heart rates are strong.

I guess the other thing is that the hospital has tubs of water available, but it's sort of first come first serve. My client told them that she wanted that, and they just said they'd let her know if there was one available. It turns out there was one, but they never notified us. She expressed some regret afterward when I spoke with her, and that she would've liked to see if she could've tried that and gone without the epidural. Anyway. She did say that if she does this again she's going to be much more assertive about what she wants and she won't feel pressured in the future. It was definitely gratifying to see this woman talk like that.

Anyway, there was some drama towards the end. My client was pushing and the baby's heart rate went down. They rushed her to the OR and she ended up with a vacuum-assisted vaginal delivery. She was told later that if the baby hadn't come out when he did that they would have done a cesarean. I'm glad she didn't have to go through that. I was sitting alone in her room (her fiance's mother was the only one let in the OR with her, her fiance had apparently left the hospital), wondering what was happening behind those doors. I stared at the floor where her bed had been, and I just started thinking about how birth in this country IS scary- but not for the reasons people think. I wondered if the problem was random, or if it had to do with the epidural. I wondered why she had to be on a timeline. I wondered how often women naturally fulfill that timeline. I thought about a lot of things. I dealt with feelings of bitterness about not being in the room with her, after I had spent all day there and her family (the father of the baby, his mother and sister) had only shown up a couple of hours before. I immediately felt guilty for those feelings, and took a look at my motives. I meditated on humility and service. I realized that I was tired and hungry, mostly, and that I should rest.

She's got a beautiful baby boy. She seems very happy. She seems happy with me, too, and I think she was really grateful for my support and company, especially given that her support at home is lacking. I no longer feel that bitterness, and I'm just glad I was able to do what I did for her. When I got home, though, I really did need some nurturing. I needed my tank to be filled, so to speak.

I am forever frustrated with certain aspects of the hospital care- their "policies", their presumptions and interventions. It's as if they are looking at a laboring woman as something that is broken- something that needs help or fixing. I hated that they used the word "martyr" to describe a woman who chooses not to use pain medication. As if the only reason not to use it is to prove something to the world or make a point. How insulting. It's not like women WANT the pain. But I think they know that it's about more than that. The natural process of labor and birth is much more than a bunch of pain and a baby. I'm just tired of the lack of respect and understanding. I really don't think that these doctors are bad people, but it seems like there's been a huge oversight. I'm not articulating this well, but it's just so confusing. I'm confused about all the bad information they readily give out. Why are women routinely told that they don't produce enough milk and have to supplement, when that is only going to make their supply issues worse? It's as if doctors have received no education about how breastfeeding works. Why are women told that their contractions aren't "adequate", when there's no medical reason for them to be dilating faster than they are? Why don't doctors know about the importance of the birth hormones that are released in both mother and baby (in a natural, unhindered birth) that help to bond them? Why don't they know these things? I have many unanswered questions. I will say, I will NEVER have a baby in a hospital if I can help it. Thank god they are there for emergencies, but yeah. I pass no judgment on those who choose a hospital birth, I think it's really about what makes people feel safe and cared for- but for me, that is NOT it.

Garden in early August

Mon, 03 Aug 2009 15:26:00 GMT

The garden is thriving. It's silly at this point to try to take a new picture, because it just changes so fast. The pictures were taken a week ago, right before we left to spend a week on Lake Huron with Jeff's family. Now there are tomatoes turning red and yellow, peppers taking shape and changing color, summer squash up to our ears, the flowers that I planted are blooming, and there's more every day.

You can see the trellises we made- it cost us about $20 for all five of them. It's just after the square foot gardening model- and so far I'm pleased. It was easy to construct, easy to train the plants, and definitely a space saver. In the center there is our little teepee- training zucchini, while I researched and people seemed to say it would work, has been a bit of a wash. I can't really figure out how to train it without damaging the plant. I like the teepee, so no biggie, but I think zucchini may just end up being a plant that needs space. We'll see. I'll use the teepee next year for something that will actually climb it.

The fact that the summer has been cool and somewhat rainy really saved me this year. I planted late, but I didn't let that keep me from planting the early crops. We've had loads of salads, and only in the past week have the lettuces started to bolt. I lucked out!

We only mulched about half of the walkways, so it's weedy and green all around the beds. I haven't minded it much though, and it's given us that bumper crop of purslane, which I so enjoy.

A harvest. The old owners had a rosebush which I've been enjoying.

So yeah, I've been lax about updating just because I've had guests, and then trips out of town, and now we're looking at a lot of work for this month- updating the basement into a little apartment, finishing the bookshelf unit, repairing diapers and various other sewing projects, various other house projects, and always trying to see friends and catch up on reading. It's been a busy summer so far! I love it, and Jeff and I have quiet moments here and there to try to relax and catch our breath.

This vacation was kind of a god-send. We needed it. By the end of the week, though, we were homesick and anxious to get back. We don't need much escaping from this life of ours. The vacation gave me a lot of perspective, awakening me in some ways. I've been reading this book Endgame by Derrick Jensen (about the problem of civilization), and it's kind of rocking my world. I'll have more to say when I finish it. I'm sure it helped to hear the waves all day, feel the warm sand beneath my feet all day, and look up at a sky full of stars each night. So many stars.

My girl. She's so big and beautiful and funny and talking up a storm. I. LOVE. HER. A. LOT.

Quote of the day:

“For us to maintain our way of living, we must tell lies to each other and especially to ourselves. The lies are necessary because, without them, many deplorable acts would become impossibilities.” (Derrick Jensen)

Super duper update!

Wed, 22 Jul 2009 21:42:16 GMT

Vacation was lovely. It was quiet and relaxing, and mostly really nice to watch my parents play with my little girl. We dipped our toes in the lake, we read, we drew lovely scribbly pictures, we ate scrumptious food, and we enjoyed the scenery. I also played a nice tight game of scrabble with my folks, which I really want to do more often.

Now I'm busy with the buzz that inevitably comes with the summer months. Everyone is out and social, things are happening and in the air. Right now we have lots of people around us- two good friends staying with us at the moment (one actually just went home to NJ this morning), so there's never a lonely meal around here, plus a steady stream of friends and family. It doesn't overwhelm me, surprisingly. I get plenty of privacy if I need it (usually in the form of a nice long bath or a book outside on the hammock chair), and I really just love the feeling that I'm a part of a community and am needed by people. I mean, these are my friends. Lets just say I'm happy we have a dishwasher. I have this beautiful house that just landed in our laps, and it's just a real blessing to be able to share it. I'm just feeling grateful. My brother and his girlfriend will stay with us next month, too, when he visits from Texas.
New development- In the fall we've decided to rent our basement out to our old housemate (who's practically family), and that will be fun, but also great in terms of the financial boost. We could use some wiggle room in that arena. So, in the next month we'll be taking on projects down there (it's partially finished). We're getting carpet for the parts he'll live in, painting and hanging fabric over the concrete walls and the furnace and water heater and stuff, and building a little kitchen for him. There's already a full bathroom, a separate entrance, and a good amount of light, although we may add a bigger window at some point. He's excited (plus we're throwing in all utilities and I'm already his cleaning lady). I'm just feeling really good about sharing this place, like I'm just supposed to do it.

The garden is starting to say "EAT ME EAT ME NOWWWWW!!!" and I'm already beginning to strategize about how to store things. I'm glad I didn't let my late start deter me. I'm having lovely and delicious salads every day, and there's more to come. I can't seem to get sick of grilled zucchini, and arugula makes my heart skip a beat, I love it so much. I'm starting to think about succession planting, which I've never done before (for things like carrots and beets and turnips, also lettuce which I plan to build a screen for in the heat of August). I sometimes surprise myself with my ambition, which I'm lucky enough to have paired with a it's-no-big-deal-if-it-fails attitude. I'm of course majorly behind on weeding, but whatever. Some of the weeds are edible anyway. It's just fun, and always a learning experience. Our neighbors are really supportive of our efforts and Jeff overheard some people say they were inspired by it all. That makes it all worthwhile. I really want people to WANT to grow their own food, and if I have any influence on that... well, lets just say I'll be extremely gratified. I've been meditating a lot on this quote, which I've shared before, but want to share again:

"I will not die an unlived life. I will not live in fear of falling or catching fire. I choose to inhabit my days, to allow my living to open me, to make me less afraid, more accessible, to loosen my heart until it becomes a wing, a torch, a promise. I choose to risk my significance; to live so that which comes to me as seed goes to the next as blossom and that which comes to me as blossom, goes on as fruit." (Dawna Markova)

Mostly that last sentence. So good.

Anyway, Vera has also been amazing. She's had some kind of a mental spurt and is talking up a storm. Her comprehension is great, and she's definitely entering that "I'm an autonomous human being, Mama!" or what others like to think of as the "NO!" phase. It's all beautiful and hilarious and tiring and... I love being a mama. She's so bright and funny, and boy am I lucky to know her.

So, of course there's lots of new baby. She's beautiful, isn't she?

She's naturally gravitated towards all things baby, and she even pretends to nurse her dolls sometimes. It's adorable.

Super Vera!!

I took this picture just because... well. They're just funny, those papas out there. I was on my way out, I think for an appointment with a doula client, and Jeff was taking the "fam" for a walk. I noticed that he'd put mismatched shoes on her feet, and was covering her (I think it was a strangely chilly evening) with a towel. If anything, we've got too many baby blankets, but whatever. I know that she'll be warm and has adequate footwear... it's just funny. When I said "Are those two different shoes?" he was just like "Huh? Oh, yeah." as if it was nothing. I think I just patted him on the back and smiled. I love stuff like this, and I just wanna remember it.

Vacation. Weird picture, but the only one I really got of my mom and Vera together. It was really nice that Vera could spend that time with my folks.

My papa and Vera.

The beach.

It was a little cold while we were there- really breezy. So anyway, we noticed that Vera was looking a little more purple than pink, and so my dad snuggled her in the towel and took her back to the cabin. So sweet.

And now- the only little garden update I can muster right now. In the next day or so I'll do a proper garden update with some pictures from the past week with my friends. Anyway. Purslane. It's all over the place. It's delicious. If it wasn't growing in absolute and ridiculous abundance in my garden as a "weed", then I'd pick it off the sidewalks around town to eat. I've been really liking it sauteed in butter and garlic. It stays crisp and has this slight lemony flavor that's just awesome. I LOVE THIS STUFF. I love that it just volunteers all over and is a delicious early green thing. I'm actually thinking of doing a big harvest/blanch/freeze job on this stuff. So good. Maybe I should try one batch first to see how it thaws out.

Anyway, it's also great for that crunch on sandwiches. Specifically, tomato cheese and homemade mayo sandwiches. Yum.

And, as if you hadn't gotten enough baby for today, a lucious summery one:

Mini-vacation

Sat, 11 Jul 2009 14:02:44 GMT

I'm going out of town for a few days! My parents got this little cabin up north and I realized I had a few days unexpectedly free to go, so I am. Poor Jeff won't be able to come with us (stupid work!), but Vera and I and my parents will have fun. I'm looking forward to reading (and possibly finishing a book!), and sitting on the beach under birch trees, watching Vera play in the sand and find bugs, canoeing, grilling, talking with my folks. I'll be back Tuesday with a super update- I have much to share about life and garden and stuff.

:)

I've been awarded!

Sun, 05 Jul 2009 02:29:03 GMT

Amanda at The Urban Homesteader and Kate at Wading Thru My Head have both awarded me with the Honest Scrap Award! Woohoo! Thank you, friends! Apparently, I now need to divulge ten honest things about myself and then pass the award on to "a fellow blogger whose blog’s content or design is, in the giver’s opinion, brilliant.”

Here goes.

1. I used to be painfully shy- to the point of fantasizing about being unexpectedly hospitalized in lieu of giving a speech that day... This no longer affects me the way that it used to, and has been a constant source of gratitude for some time. I still get nervous, but I no longer let it stop me, and I always survive. I have since realized that I even have some good things to share, if I let myself open up and share them. I have theories as to why this has changed, but mostly I chalk it up to a good diet, a spiritual life, and the belief that while I know I'm important, I'm not really that important. I don't know if that makes sense, but it has helped me.

2. Big department and grocery stores make my brain feel like it's frying. My tolerance for florescent wonderlands has only gone down since becoming a never-buy-new/locavore/urban farmer, and it's actually kind of amazing how crazy I'll feel if I have to go to one of those stores now. I tend to wander around, forgetting what I wanted in the first place, and usually buying something random and unnecessary (like Pringles or a frozen lasagna). Perhaps this is how most people feel.

3. I've always considered myself the "real" middle child of my family. There are four of us, and the other middle child is the only boy. I have never minded being the middle child, but it's always seemed significant in some way for me. I believe that birth order has a lot to do with family dynamic, and that certainly helped shape who I am today.

4. I believe in radical nonviolence. Basically, this idea is rooted in the philosophy that all violence is interwoven, and that to allow for some allows for all. Violence, under this definition, includes things like poverty and inaction, etc., and even things like killing in self-defense. This, believe it or not, has been the basis for many unsolicited arguments between myself and some of my friends/acquaintances. I think what bothers them is that they consider themselves to be nonviolent, but will make exceptions for many of these things in their non-violent philosophies. I make no judgment, do not wish to restrict choices, and do not pretend to be a nonviolent person. However, the longer I maintain this belief system, the more true I have found it to be, and the more I hold myself to that ideal.

5. I have become a bit of a social anarchist, and am eager to meet others with similar belief systems. I believe that small, self-sufficient, free communities have as more of a chance for peace than what we have now. This is coupled with my belief that people are generally good when they have not been afflicted by violence (i.e. poverty and neglect, amongst the more obvious forms).

6. I used to hang upside down as a kid. A lot. My mom would frequently turn to me at the dinner table only to find my feet flailing in the air. I still occasionally really like to flip around on the couch and hang, although I now refrain from doing it at the table. I don't know. I just like it.

7. I have a terrible time finishing books. I love to read, and will usually have my nose in 4 or 5 books at a time. This contributes to my never finishing one- by the time I make it around to the first book again I've forgotten a bunch and I have to read whole sections of it over again and... it's just silly. I know this about myself, and yet I can't seem to just COMMIT. I've considered forming a book club, because I think that becoming accountable to other people will actually get me to finish some books!

8. Giving birth was one of the best experiences of my life. I can't help but be excited to do it again. It was very hard, but it freed me from the idea that pain has to be a bad thing or has to limit me in some way. This opened the gates to experiencing elation and utter joy in the midst of one of the most challenging and painful experiences of my life. It really brought to life Kahlil Gibran's words on pain. I will always be grateful to have been able to do that, and I really wish that more women could hear that it can be that way.

9. I make up ridiculous songs, all the time. Jeff is really the only person who is a witness to this, as I'm too self-concious to come up with them in other settings. At home, though, I dance through the house singing about this and that, making up words and tunes. My own little jingles to life. I'm pretty sure this is a genetic trait that I inherited from my dad, who all through my childhood would make up little wordless songs- kind of like skatting.

10. I used to play guitar and write songs. I stopped playing about 4 years ago, just because life happened and I got distracted, and I really wish that I could get the gumption to get back into it. I plan to do this soon, and to learn to play the banjo and mandolin. I want my kids to grow up with music all around them, and to have fond memories of their parents singing in harmony. This will happen!

Alright. So I get to choose a few of my bloggy friends. I know so many interesting bloggers, so I'm just going to randomly select a few.

lilpeace
csgraham
pearlstreetdiva
hanitious
Tisha at Finding Inspiration in the Everyday
unicorntapestry
see_anotherside
poppleshatesyou
purerandomness
stupidfool
pithy_epigrams

Okay, I better stop there. All of my friends are great to read about, and should do this regardless!

I'd really be interested in anyone who'd like to write this, so consider yourself awarded by me!

Stretching.

Thu, 25 Jun 2009 19:46:00 GMT

Ever since I hit puberty I've had these little indentations on my skin, right at the base of my spine. I used to run my fingers over them, unsure of what they were, intrigued by the texture of my skin there. I remember being on the beach and a boyfriend asking about them, but I just shrugged and said it'd been there forever. I never thought much of it until I got pregnant. Right around the seventh month of my pregnancy a little pink scar appeared, to the right of my belly button. A stretch mark. I cried. Over the next couple of months they fanned out covering most of my belly. They appeared like flames on my breasts. I noticed them appear on the tops of my thighs, and I even got a few behind my knees. I'm not overweight, I drank plenty of water and ate a very healthy diet, and I moisturized. Even so, I soon found myself with what felt like an entirely new body, one that I regretfully admit to have mourned in those first few months.

In those early days I scoured the internet for the secret to removing them all. I wished them away. I even took a mental inventory of my life, wondering what I had done to deserve them. I found websites dedicated to normalizing a mother's body- because it is, in fact, normal. Some days it would help to see other mothers and I would feel inspired and confident, but other days it would depress me to think about it all so much. I'm self-conscious even admitting that I dedicated so much brain space to this, considering the beautiful new baby I had next to me that whole time. Over time, I started to think less about them. I worked on accepting them. I fell madly in love with my child and with motherhood, which only helped. My partner would run his fingers over them and tell me he loved how soft my belly was now. They faded and my belly shrunk, and I started to feel more like my old self. However, I still have days where I feel dissatisfied, despite my efforts to be totally accepting and to "own" them as evidence of my strength and growth.

Recently my daughter started giving "schmoozles". Some people call it "blowing a raspberry". Basically, she lifts my shirt, puts her mouth next to my skin, and blows air against me making a surprising noise. This makes her giggle like crazy. She's learned to say the word "belly", and loves to point to her own and find other people's bellies hiding under their shirts. I have to say though, she seems to like mine above any others. When we nurse, she often smiles and says "belly", pushing into it and giggling. She touches it softly when she's falling asleep. She smooshes her face into it and looks at me with nothing but love and fun in her eyes. There's no judgment. She loves my belly. I love that she loves it. It was her first home.

I effortlessly see other mothers as beautiful just as they are, although I've found that it's something that I have to work at in myself. I think this is a reality for many women. I guess now I feel like I'm still mourning, but I'm not mourning my scars. I'm mourning the fact that we live in a culture that nurtures an unrealistic and superficial ideal, openly criticizing those that don't fit into that criteria. It doesn't help that we often compare and criticize each other, seeing other women as competition rather than part of a sisterhood. That's not the world I want to live in, and I think that now more than ever I have a responsibility to help change it for the better. If not for myself, then certainly for my daughter. I don't have the secret to acceptance and self-love. I will say, however, that I'm grateful for each of my scars. They help me to think about my life in a more honest, less shallow way. They free me up to believe in my true worth, and the worth of others. I'm only a better person because of them.

Blah.

Tue, 23 Jun 2009 23:31:17 GMT

Today I felt down. My energy was lacking, almost right from the start. I lost my motivation, and a lot of the work I like to do just seemed overwhelming and I could only see it piling up again. Not to mention a needy and teething baby (those last ones before her 2 years are FINALLY breaking through), and this heat. I'm not built for this heat.

You know, I'm generally a very happy and motivated person, but today just left me thinking about how hard it must be for people who suffer from depression. I know myself, and this will pass- likely by tonight, I can already feel the cloud lifting- but some people can't shake it. I think I need to add that to my gratitude list. I'm a mostly happy person, and that enables me to be many more things.

Jeff says that people are on three different cycles. A physical cycle, a mental cycle, and an emotional cycle. They all go round and round until sometimes they intersect (either on the happy energized side of the spectrum or the sad tired end). That's what today felt like to me- like I crashed and just couldn't do anything other than mope. My body, my mind, my spirit... just felt limp. Such a drag. What Jeff says encouraged me though.

I've also been spreading myself too thin. Sometimes I really take on so much, and maybe I need to slow down. It's not like I can't accomplish all that I want to, but I think I may have to loosen my expectations of myself. Even thinking back on today, I still was able to mostly sort through an incredible mound of paperwork that Jeff and I had been stalling on since January. I also cleaned and cooked. I just have to step back a little, give myself a little air. It also helps to think about labor. Isn't it funny how often I mention labor here? Anyway, I once heard that when whatever coping technique you were using to deal with the pain stops working, that that tends to be a good thing because it means something has changed and things are progressing. Maybe I can think about my low moments like that. I can be encouraged by the idea that perhaps my life is shifting in a new direction and that my hard work will soon pay off. I just have to shift my own body and mind to help me through it. I dunno.

Anyway, sorry for making a semi-whiny post. Venting is good. I'm gonna shamelessly relax tonight and eat strawberries and milk and ask for lots of kisses from my family. I think that's the prescription.

Happy.

Thu, 18 Jun 2009 16:25:12 GMT

What makes me happy lately:

Well, my baby of course.

She's been very expressive lately- in a way that makes me squirm with joy when she's smart, laugh until I almost can't breathe when she's silly, gets my attention when she's angry, and so on. In some ways I feel I'm growing just as fast along side her, as her mother. My love for her explodes and envelopes me daily, and that can't be a bad thing...

She decided to stick all of the alphabet/animal magnets from the fridge in her onesie. This picture doesn't do it justice, it was a big bulge, and she was just so matter of fact about it. As if to say "Well, Mama, if you gave me a basket then I wouldn't have to stick them all down my shirt..."

Morning mischief. It's becoming a regular thing. Pictured here is her lovely knit soaker that her Aunt Gretchen made on top of her head and some ribbon around her neck. Remember? Hats are funny, especially when they are not really hats.

We like to make faces at each other in the car through this mirror I've got.

Close-up.

I'm loving all things food, too. Freshness all around me. Our chest freezer was able to be emptied into our fridge and regular freezer, signaling the start of the new season. I'm now having to be really creative with everything left over, as we've got to hold out until the garden and our CSA start steadily producing. Also, the meat is becoming scarcer, so I'm doing my best to incorporate it all creatively. I haven't been posting as much about food because I haven't been pleased with my camera, but I can't help myself now that the summer has started.

This meal was one born out of a fridge that initially said "There's NOTHING to eat!" It's how my most fabulous meals begin, so I never stop there. It consists of the end of the soaked oats for the week (I soak them in a big batch at the beginning of the week and then keep it all in the fridge to use without the fuss). I mixed them with an egg, leftover chicken (the wing meat that I never really feel excited about) and onions, and fresh asparagus (which has been sneaking its way into every meal lately), and a little salt and pepper. I spooned it into a skillet with a little butter and fried them up like pancakes. I ate it with a little plain yogurt and cilantro, some leftover black bean and beet salad, and radishes.

Strawberries. I eat them late at night with a little maple syrup and raw milk in a bowl.

Fresh mint. I throw this in my tea, my water, my kombucha. I like mint. I'm excited to use it in new ways.

I feel spiritually drawn to simplicity. I mean, there's a lot of complexity in this world. It's unavoidable. We seem to create drama for ourselves when circumstances aren't stormy enough... it's an ingredient in our humanity. Our bodies and our thoughts get jumbled together and create a lot of beauty, but also a lot of pain. They go hand in hand, I think. However, the longer I'm on this planet the more joy and purpose I find in simple pursuits. Growing food, cleaning, being with my people, feeding a hungry friend, walking my dog. It's not that I don't aspire for greatness and knowledge- I mean, I want to feel like I've contributed to this world in a meaningful way and haven't spent my life sitting around or just doing menial activities. I'm ravenous for information, often spending large portions of my days with my head in books (or more often on the internet...) and coming to drastic conclusions about the state of the world and my responsibility to help save it. However, there's a clarity that comes with resigning myself to simple activities, almost enabling me to think more honestly and realistically about myself and my roles, stepping away from the wreckage to see where to start working.
I was thinking about this the other day because I've found that since I've been home with Vera, I've stopped caring about the news. I used to listen to NPR every morning, I'd read the new stories on the web before I checked my email, I was just kind of up on it. Now, though, I'm often in a situation where someone is talking about some big thing going on in the world and I'm just thinking "Whoa, I wonder how long I've been clueless about that..." I listen to podcasts of This American Life and I read mama and gardening blogs and blast Ani Difranco while I clean the kitchen. That's kind of the extent of my media intake, some days. I can't say that I miss it, though. If anything I'm more focused and less cynical. I've got the necessary brain space for more action towards good, rather than being in a constant state of mourning, or even worse, of pretention and self-righteousness without any real motion towards what I believe. I feel in touch with my limitations, my tendency to be overwhelmed, and my responsibility to actually DO something rather than just THINK about it all the time.

Don't get me wrong, I do want to know what's going on and I want to save the world. I do. I just think that I actually slow down and become helpless the more I pay attention to things that scare, or worry, or disappoint me. I have to have faith that my small actions in my own life will create a ripple effect that I see so often illustrated from the negative end. I have to pour my energy into living a radically good life- one that truly displays what I believe. This tends to take up all of my brain space as it is, it's a lot of work trying to comb through everything and actually change, slowly but surely.
I heard something recently about how the planet is just sort of doomed because of this huge looming natural disaster. I don't remember what it was exactly, I just remember it freaking me out a bit (it's a freaky thing to think about all of us freezing over or burning up or whatever...) The person who told us about it seemed confident in technology's ability to conquer it and preserve us, although it was a really scary thing for me to think about. I remember saying something like "What do we do?" I felt so helpless about it, and I am. And later it occured to me. It's like all of life. Some day, the worst will happen. I'll die, maybe late in life of old age, but maybe from hot molten lava... I mean, who knows. I'm not going to let that stop me from living day to day, though. And contrary to what some people say, it doesn't mean I should do whatever I want because it won't matter. I always will believe that it matters. I'm rambling. Done for now.

Quote of the day:
"We have too many high sounding words, and too few actions to correspond with them." -Abigail Adams

Out with it!

Wed, 10 Jun 2009 20:54:18 GMT

purge: [purj] verb, purged, purg⋅ing, noun

1. to rid of whatever is impure or undesirable; cleanse; purify.

Today and yesterday I've been purging. All these extra things that have been collected, whether gifted or my own accumulation- all these things need to GO. When we moved I was alarmed by the amount of crap we had, all of it hiding in this corner or that. I'm sure part of it is just not wanting to throw things away. I hate waste, and I don't want to contribute to the world's garbage. I also tend to be a junk-to-art kind of person. I love to find uses for things, I love things with a story and a history, etc. But then there's all that stuff that collects in the in-between spaces- like the books I'll never get around to reading but love to have on a shelf anyway. There's the literal TON of baby crap that was gifted by well-meaning folks who were probably really relieved to get rid of it all themselves. There's all the strange miscellaneous stuff that I think is pretty or may be useful in the future, but likely will never get around to it or I just don't really have the space. There's paper... oh all the paper. There's little plastic things that I have no idea what they are for... a surprising amount of stuff like that. Then there's the gifts that I won't really use (or don't really like) but hesitate to get rid of because of who gave them to us or it was a wedding gift or something. That stuff I struggle with because it feels like more than just that thing I'm getting rid of. Today I'm doing my best to shake that doubt off and purge anyway. It has to be done.Then I'm going to post on craigslist for people to come take all of it for free. Today is a good day.

Cherries! I'm thrilled that our brand-new cherry tree is fruiting, and I'm hoping for years of deliciousness to come. I also have this cool cherry pitter thing that my grandma gave me last year (I thought I'd never use it), but it's looking like it might be very handy.

My girl. She's been loving that scooter thing that my sister in law brought over for her. We whiz her around the yard and it's fun.

My sweet dog. She's so fluffy, and the weather is warming up. Sometimes we have to take her out back and practically pluck her like a chicken. When we're done there's practically tumbleweeds of her fluff to pick up out of the backyard. I'm sure the birds all have Maya-hair nests. It's kind of insane, the shedding. It's also completely worth it.

We went for a walk when Vera had her cold, and I looked down and her and she was all teary and snot-streaked. I loved the single not sad tear she had hanging out on her cheek.

Here's my most recent crafty thing. It's a message board made from an old window at the reuse center and some scrap fabric. I love it. I got the idea here.

I spied on them the other morning. I was trying to get something done inside, so they just sat out there eating their breakfast together, being all ridiculously sweet and talking in the way that only a Vera and a Jeff can talk to one another. I love my family.

Quote of the day:
"We all have a better guide in ourselves, if we would attend to it, than any other person could be." -Jane Austen

Garden in early June.

Thu, 04 Jun 2009 00:02:20 GMT

I am still sore! The other day Jeff and I just went to work all day on the garden, then later I took a long walk with my sister and the babies. I ended up falling asleep on the couch about 20 minutes into our movie. It's how my days keep panning out lately, I start strong and reach a tired point in the afternoon, then keep pushing through, then pass out at around 10pm whether I want to or not. I'm having fun. I'm learning a lot. I'm feeling alive. Now Vera and I have a cold, which feels bizarre considering that it's JUNE now. I'm rarely sick, but in June I catch a bug. Figures. A June-bug. I can't be too sad because it's been all rainy, so it feels good to snuggle up with a book, a blanket, and some tea. Sometimes that's all I want to do, and this cold is a perfect excuse. Although I did just spend a bunch of time outside in the dirt...

This past Saturday I went to an all-day WAPF conference. It was great. Much of it I already knew, but it was one of those things where it all kind of clicked once I heard it from an expert and they could put it all together for me. There were also new things that I learned that kind of blew me away. Basically our diets are crap and most people are suffering from it whether they know it or not. We have to fix this, and I'm so so grateful that I'm young and able to feed my family good food, ethically, right from the start. I'll probably write much more about this in the near future, but for now I'm still absorbing and organizing it, 3 days later.

Here's the progress that we've made so far. Well, actually it's different now. I went out there this evening and built a square bed by the tip there, where that little plop of compost is at the edge and planted my zucchini. I also built up a teepee trellis thing around it. So far I have my tomatoes, peppers, eggplant, zucchini, some lettuce, acorn and butternut squash, broccoli, cauliflower, and cabbage planted. I still have much more to do. I think Jeff and I are slowing down our minds a little, as this half of the garden is really plenty for this year, and we'll work on expanding it to the other side of the yard this fall and prepping it for next spring. As it is, this is the biggest garden I've ever had... I can't help but crack a smile thinking of all the tomatoes I'm gonna get. I might actually be able to store a good amount of food this year. This is truly becoming one of the great joys of my life. I love gardening!

We planted a dwarf cherry tree on the north side of the yard. We also planted a blackberry bush, and what we thought was a raspberry plant but is actually some kind of rosebush, so this weekend I'm off to hunt for a real raspberry. I think it's kind of a good thing, though, because I realized that I want to plant Vera's placenta somewhere, and I've planted most of the big stuff for the year. It seems appropriate to plant it under a raspberry bush- I drank so much red raspberry leaf tea when I was pregnant, it just seems right. Next year I plan to plant a blueberry plant and a dwarf plum, and hopefully erect some kind of greenhouse.

Yay garden! I feel like I'm running really late on everything, but I have to push those thoughts to the back of my head and just get stuff in the ground. Each year there have been failures and successes, and this year will be no different. I feel an excitement this year, though, that I didn't in years past. This year it's MY garden. It's my house, my family, my ambition.

I hope you all are gardening away and having fun.

On my first experience as a doula.

Thu, 28 May 2009 01:52:17 GMT

I came out of the hospital just as the sun was setting. I spent just over 12 hours with my first doula client. A healthy baby girl was born at 3:30 that afternoon. Walking towards my car was a little surreal, all things familiar coming back into focus, the alien world that is the hospital swiftly fading into the background. My first thought after the key went into the ignition was how much I wanted to see my partner and my baby, and how grateful I am for my life and my home. I got home and dropped my carefully prepared birth bag like a weight to the floor as my daughter came squealing towards me for a hug. Life is good.

This was not the picture-perfect birth that I had admittedly hoped it would be. I arrived and they had already manually dialated my client to 3 centimeters with some balloon contraption, given her morphine, broken her water, and the anesthesiologist was already on her way to administer the epidural. Soon there was talk of pitocin to augment the contractions (which had already naturally dialated her cervix from 3 centimeters to 5 in two hours), spouting something about how the contractions were just not consistent enough, and how she would "only need a little". After a few clarifying questions and firey looks from a doctor, my client managed to bargain her way out of pitocin for a mere 45 minutes, on the condition that she'd try some different positions to get her contractions closer together and more intense. They soon checked her and solemnly reported that she was "still only at 5" and that they really needed to do this. She consented, and contractions quickly became stronger. They soon checked her again and administered an internal monitor to measure the strength of her contractions. Within an hour the nurse was in talking about how due the baby's posterior position and my clients "dysfunctional labor", they needed to be prepared for a possible cesarean section (she was now 6-7cm). All the while they were telling her to notify them if she felt any pressure low down and when she asked about why she couldn't stop shaking they told her it could be transition, but that it could be very hard to deliver this baby and to be prepared. My client spent the next half an hour crying in this position and that, desperately trying to flip the baby around. I reminded her that many people successfully deliver posterior babies, and that she had more power over this situation. Soon the baby's heart rate had risen, and they were telling my client that the baby may just not like this labor. Unfortunately her temperature had then risen to 99.9 degrees, and there was talk of a possible infection. Six hours after I had arrived, a doctor came in and said "I think it's time to have a baby." I watched as my client went into hysterics, I was told "We've done everything we can do..." and everyone was escorted out of the room so they could prep her for surgery.

I was soon with my client in the recovery room, and learned that the pain medication had not worked sufficiently through the procedure, and that she had to be put on a stronger drug immediately after delivery. She came out of the druggy fog and was in extreme amounts of pain. I watched as a nurse insisted on touching her wound after she said "Please don't touch me, I beg of you!" I stayed with her through the next few hours- working to relax and breathe her through the pain, massaging her hands, commending her on her tremendous bravery. She expressed her anger, and I tried to validate her, reminding her that it is okay to be mad and that she doesn't have to feel better right now. Finally she was feeling more comfortable, smiling here and there and looking tired. It was a small thing, but by the end of the night I was certain that she was glad I was with her, and that made the whole day worthwhile.

I think it would be impossible for me to not feel some level of grief over this experience. However, as clearly as my own unpredictable 2-day labor taught me, there is so much that pain and a change in plans can teach us. One of the first things my doula/midwife friends told me was that we cannot save these women. Our role is to empower and to comfort, to provide strength and information and clarification, and to sometimes just be there. I am not responsible for giving her a perfect birth, it's not within my power. However, in this situation I truly feel that my client was severely wronged by a broken system. An already complicated life was further complicated through what I am certain was a traumatic birth experience. I can only help but wonder how things would have been different if they were able to be more patient, to stop intervening and scaring and bullying, to just wait and watch and let my client labor on her own, the way her body was built to. Perhaps in the end she would have needed the surgery, but I think that if she had been treated differently and not rushed, spoken to like she had a choice in the matter, like her opinion counted, then maybe when that time came she would have owned that experience and that outcome- perhaps with disappointment, but without the feeling that she'd been robbed.

This is a sad story, I know. I also know that working as a source of support for women, spreading knowledge and dissolving fear, taking back our own bodies and births- well that is work worth doing. I suspect that this experience will stay with me forever, if anything just as my "first" and as a reminder of why this crazy doula-thing is so important.

"Hope has two beautiful daughters. Their names are anger and courage; anger at the way things are, and courage to see that they do not remain the way they are." (Augustine)