I'm going out of town for a few days! My parents got this little cabin up north and I realized I had a few days unexpectedly free to go, so I am. Poor Jeff won't be able to come with us (stupid work!), but Vera and I and my parents will have fun. I'm looking forward to reading (and possibly finishing a book!), and sitting on the beach under birch trees, watching Vera play in the sand and find bugs, canoeing, grilling, talking with my folks. I'll be back Tuesday with a super update- I have much to share about life and garden and stuff.

:)

Amanda at The Urban Homesteader and Kate at Wading Thru My Head have both awarded me with the Honest Scrap Award! Woohoo! Thank you, friends! Apparently, I now need to divulge ten honest things about myself and then pass the award on to "a fellow blogger whose blog’s content or design is, in the giver’s opinion, brilliant.”

Here goes.

1. I used to be painfully shy- to the point of fantasizing about being unexpectedly hospitalized in lieu of giving a speech that day... This no longer affects me the way that it used to, and has been a constant source of gratitude for some time. I still get nervous, but I no longer let it stop me, and I always survive. I have since realized that I even have some good things to share, if I let myself open up and share them. I have theories as to why this has changed, but mostly I chalk it up to a good diet, a spiritual life, and the belief that while I know I'm important, I'm not really that important. I don't know if that makes sense, but it has helped me.

2. Big department and grocery stores make my brain feel like it's frying. My tolerance for florescent wonderlands has only gone down since becoming a never-buy-new/locavore/urban farmer, and it's actually kind of amazing how crazy I'll feel if I have to go to one of those stores now. I tend to wander around, forgetting what I wanted in the first place, and usually buying something random and unnecessary (like Pringles or a frozen lasagna). Perhaps this is how most people feel.

3. I've always considered myself the "real" middle child of my family. There are four of us, and the other middle child is the only boy. I have never minded being the middle child, but it's always seemed significant in some way for me. I believe that birth order has a lot to do with family dynamic, and that certainly helped shape who I am today.

4. I believe in radical nonviolence. Basically, this idea is rooted in the philosophy that all violence is interwoven, and that to allow for some allows for all. Violence, under this definition, includes things like poverty and inaction, etc., and even things like killing in self-defense. This, believe it or not, has been the basis for many unsolicited arguments between myself and some of my friends/acquaintances. I think what bothers them is that they consider themselves to be nonviolent, but will make exceptions for many of these things in their non-violent philosophies. I make no judgment, do not wish to restrict choices, and do not pretend to be a nonviolent person. However, the longer I maintain this belief system, the more true I have found it to be, and the more I hold myself to that ideal.

5. I have become a bit of a social anarchist, and am eager to meet others with similar belief systems. I believe that small, self-sufficient, free communities have as more of a chance for peace than what we have now. This is coupled with my belief that people are generally good when they have not been afflicted by violence (i.e. poverty and neglect, amongst the more obvious forms).

6. I used to hang upside down as a kid. A lot. My mom would frequently turn to me at the dinner table only to find my feet flailing in the air. I still occasionally really like to flip around on the couch and hang, although I now refrain from doing it at the table. I don't know. I just like it.

7. I have a terrible time finishing books. I love to read, and will usually have my nose in 4 or 5 books at a time. This contributes to my never finishing one- by the time I make it around to the first book again I've forgotten a bunch and I have to read whole sections of it over again and... it's just silly. I know this about myself, and yet I can't seem to just COMMIT. I've considered forming a book club, because I think that becoming accountable to other people will actually get me to finish some books!

8. Giving birth was one of the best experiences of my life. I can't help but be excited to do it again. It was very hard, but it freed me from the idea that pain has to be a bad thing or has to limit me in some way. This opened the gates to experiencing elation and utter joy in the midst of one of the most challenging and painful experiences of my life. It really brought to life Kahlil Gibran's words on pain. I will always be grateful to have been able to do that, and I really wish that more women could hear that it can be that way.

9. I make up ridiculous songs, all the time. Jeff is really the only person who is a witness to this, as I'm too self-concious to come up with them in other settings. At home, though, I dance through the house singing about this and that, making up words and tunes. My own little jingles to life. I'm pretty sure this is a genetic trait that I inherited from my dad, who all through my childhood would make up little wordless songs- kind of like skatting.

10. I used to play guitar and write songs. I stopped playing about 4 years ago, just because life happened and I got distracted, and I really wish that I could get the gumption to get back into it. I plan to do this soon, and to learn to play the banjo and mandolin. I want my kids to grow up with music all around them, and to have fond memories of their parents singing in harmony. This will happen!

Alright. So I get to choose a few of my bloggy friends. I know so many interesting bloggers, so I'm just going to randomly select a few.

lilpeace 
csgraham 
pearlstreetdiva 
hanitious 
Tisha at Finding Inspiration in the Everyday
unicorntapestry 
see_anotherside 
poppleshatesyou  
purerandomness 
stupidfool 
pithy_epigrams 

Okay, I better stop there. All of my friends are great to read about, and should do this regardless!

I'd really be interested in anyone who'd like to write this, so consider yourself awarded by me!

Ever since I hit puberty I've had these little indentations on my skin, right at the base of my spine. I used to run my fingers over them, unsure of what they were, intrigued by the texture of my skin there. I remember being on the beach and a boyfriend asking about them, but I just shrugged and said it'd been there forever. I never thought much of it until I got pregnant. Right around the seventh month of my pregnancy a little pink scar appeared, to the right of my belly button. A stretch mark. I cried. Over the next couple of months they fanned out covering most of my belly. They appeared like flames on my breasts. I noticed them appear on the tops of my thighs, and I even got a few behind my knees. I'm not overweight, I drank plenty of water and ate a very healthy diet, and I moisturized. Even so, I soon found myself with what felt like an entirely new body, one that I regretfully admit to have mourned in those first few months.

In those early days I scoured the internet for the secret to removing them all. I wished them away. I even took a mental inventory of my life, wondering what I had done to deserve them. I found websites dedicated to normalizing a mother's body- because it is, in fact, normal. Some days it would help to see other mothers and I would feel inspired and confident, but other days it would depress me to think about it all so much. I'm self-conscious even admitting that I dedicated so much brain space to this, considering the beautiful new baby I had next to me that whole time. Over time, I started to think less about them. I worked on accepting them. I fell madly in love with my child and with motherhood, which only helped. My partner would run his fingers over them and tell me he loved how soft my belly was now. They faded and my belly shrunk, and I started to feel more like my old self. However, I still have days where I feel dissatisfied, despite my efforts to be totally accepting and to "own" them as evidence of my strength and growth.

Recently my daughter started giving "schmoozles". Some people call it "blowing a raspberry". Basically, she lifts my shirt, puts her mouth next to my skin, and blows air against me making a surprising noise. This makes her giggle like crazy. She's learned to say the word "belly", and loves to point to her own and find other people's bellies hiding under their shirts. I have to say though, she seems to like mine above any others. When we nurse, she often smiles and says "belly", pushing into it and giggling. She touches it softly when she's falling asleep. She smooshes her face into it and looks at me with nothing but love and fun in her eyes. There's no judgment. She loves my belly. I love that she loves it. It was her first home.

I effortlessly see other mothers as beautiful just as they are, although I've found that it's something that I have to work at in myself. I think this is a reality for many women. I guess now I feel like I'm still mourning, but I'm not mourning my scars. I'm mourning the fact that we live in a culture that nurtures an unrealistic and superficial ideal, openly criticizing those that don't fit into that criteria. It doesn't help that we often compare and criticize each other, seeing other women as competition rather than part of a sisterhood. That's not the world I want to live in, and I think that now more than ever I have a responsibility to help change it for the better. If not for myself, then certainly for my daughter. I don't have the secret to acceptance and self-love. I will say, however, that I'm grateful for each of my scars. They help me to think about my life in a more honest, less shallow way. They free me up to believe in my true worth, and the worth of others. I'm only a better person because of them.

Today I felt down. My energy was lacking, almost right from the start. I lost my motivation, and a lot of the work I like to do just seemed overwhelming and I could only see it piling up again. Not to mention a needy and teething baby (those last ones before her 2 years are FINALLY breaking through), and this heat. I'm not built for this heat.

You know, I'm generally a very happy and motivated person, but today just left me thinking about how hard it must be for people who suffer from depression. I know myself, and this will pass- likely by tonight, I can already feel the cloud lifting- but some people can't shake it. I think I need to add that to my gratitude list. I'm a mostly happy person, and that enables me to be many more things.

Jeff says that people are on three different cycles. A physical cycle, a mental cycle, and an emotional cycle. They all go round and round until sometimes they intersect (either on the happy energized side of the spectrum or the sad tired end). That's what today felt like to me- like I crashed and just couldn't do anything other than mope. My body, my mind, my spirit... just felt limp. Such a drag. What Jeff says encouraged me though.

I've also been spreading myself too thin. Sometimes I really take on so much, and maybe I need to slow down. It's not like I can't accomplish all that I want to, but I think I may have to loosen my expectations of myself. Even thinking back on today, I still was able to mostly sort through an incredible mound of paperwork that Jeff and I had been stalling on since January. I also cleaned and cooked. I just have to step back a little, give myself a little air. It also helps to think about labor. Isn't it funny how often I mention labor here? Anyway, I once heard that when whatever coping technique you were using to deal with the pain stops working, that that tends to be a good thing because it means something has changed and things are progressing. Maybe I can think about my low moments like that. I can be encouraged by the idea that perhaps my life is shifting in a new direction and that my hard work will soon pay off. I just have to shift my own body and mind to help me through it. I dunno.

Anyway, sorry for making a semi-whiny post. Venting is good. I'm gonna shamelessly relax tonight and eat strawberries and milk and ask for lots of kisses from my family. I think that's the prescription.

What makes me happy lately:

Well, my baby of course.

She's been very expressive lately- in a way that makes me squirm with joy when she's smart, laugh until I almost can't breathe when she's silly, gets my attention when she's angry, and so on. In some ways I feel I'm growing just as fast along side her, as her mother. My love for her explodes and envelopes me daily, and that can't be a bad thing...
 


( Read more... )

I feel spiritually drawn to simplicity. I mean, there's a lot of complexity in this world. It's unavoidable. We seem to create drama for ourselves when circumstances aren't stormy enough... it's an ingredient in our humanity. Our bodies and our thoughts get jumbled together and create a lot of beauty, but also a lot of pain. They go hand in hand, I think. However, the longer I'm on this planet the more joy and purpose I find in simple pursuits. Growing food, cleaning, being with my people, feeding a hungry friend, walking my dog. It's not that I don't aspire for greatness and knowledge- I mean, I want to feel like I've contributed to this world in a meaningful way and haven't spent my life sitting around or just doing menial activities. I'm ravenous for information, often spending large portions of my days with my head in books (or more often on the internet...) and coming to drastic conclusions about the state of the world and my responsibility to help save it. However, there's a clarity that comes with resigning myself to simple activities, almost enabling me to think more honestly and realistically about myself and my roles, stepping away from the wreckage to see where to start working.
I was thinking about this the other day because I've found that since I've been home with Vera, I've stopped caring about the news. I used to listen to NPR every morning, I'd read the new stories on the web before I checked my email, I was just kind of up on it. Now, though, I'm often in a situation where someone is talking about some big thing going on in the world and I'm just thinking "Whoa, I wonder how long I've been clueless about that..." I listen to podcasts of This American Life and I read mama and gardening blogs and blast Ani Difranco while I clean the kitchen. That's kind of the extent of my media intake, some days. I can't say that I miss it, though. If anything I'm more focused and less cynical. I've got the necessary brain space for more action towards good, rather than being in a constant state of mourning, or even worse, of pretention and self-righteousness without any real motion towards what I believe. I feel in touch with my limitations, my tendency to be overwhelmed, and my responsibility to actually DO something rather than just THINK about it all the time. 

Don't get me wrong, I do want to know what's going on and I want to save the world. I do. I just think that I actually slow down and become helpless the more I pay attention to things that scare, or worry, or disappoint me. I have to have faith that my small actions in my own life will create a ripple effect that I see so often illustrated from the negative end. I have to pour my energy into living a radically good life- one that truly displays what I believe. This tends to take up all of my brain space as it is, it's a lot of work trying to comb through everything and actually change, slowly but surely.
I heard something recently about how the planet is just sort of doomed because of this huge looming natural disaster. I don't remember what it was exactly, I just remember it freaking me out a bit (it's a freaky thing to think about all of us freezing over or burning up or whatever...) The person who told us about it seemed confident in technology's ability to conquer it and preserve us, although it was a really scary thing for me to think about. I remember saying something like "What do we do?" I felt so helpless about it, and I am. And later it occured to me. It's like all of life. Some day, the worst will happen. I'll die, maybe late in life of old age, but maybe from hot molten lava... I mean, who knows. I'm not going to let that stop me from living day to day, though. And contrary to what some people say, it doesn't mean I should do whatever I want because it won't matter. I always will believe that it matters. I'm rambling. Done for now.


Quote of the day:
"We have too many high sounding words, and too few actions to correspond with them." -Abigail Adams

purge: [purj] verb, purged, purg⋅ing, noun

1. to rid of whatever is impure or undesirable; cleanse; purify.


Today and yesterday I've been purging. All these extra things that have been collected, whether gifted or my own accumulation- all these things need to GO. When we moved I was alarmed by the amount of crap we had, all of it hiding in this corner or that. I'm sure part of it is just not wanting to throw things away. I hate waste, and I don't want to contribute to the world's garbage. I also tend to be a junk-to-art kind of person. I love to find uses for things, I love things with a story and a history, etc. But then there's all that stuff that collects in the in-between spaces- like the books I'll never get around to reading but love to have on a shelf anyway. There's the literal TON of baby crap that was gifted by well-meaning folks who were probably really relieved to get rid of it all themselves. There's all the strange miscellaneous stuff that I think is pretty or may be useful in the future, but likely will never get around to it or I just don't really have the space. There's paper... oh all the paper. There's little plastic things that I have no idea what they are for... a surprising amount of stuff like that. Then there's the gifts that I won't really use (or don't really like) but hesitate to get rid of because of who gave them to us or it was a wedding gift or something. That stuff I struggle with because it feels like more than just that thing I'm getting rid of. Today I'm doing my best to shake that doubt off and purge anyway. It has to be done.Then I'm going to post on craigslist for people to come take all of it for free. Today is a good day.( Read more... )

Quote of the day:
"We all have a better guide in ourselves, if we would attend to it, than any other person could be." -Jane Austen</div>

I am still sore! The other day Jeff and I just went to work all day on the garden, then later I took a long walk with my sister and the babies. I ended up falling asleep on the couch about 20 minutes into our movie. It's how my days keep panning out lately, I start strong and reach a tired point in the afternoon, then keep pushing through, then pass out at around 10pm whether I want to or not. I'm having fun. I'm learning a lot. I'm feeling alive. Now Vera and I have a cold, which feels bizarre considering that it's JUNE now. I'm rarely sick, but in June I catch a bug. Figures. A June-bug. I can't be too sad because it's been all rainy, so it feels good to snuggle up with a book, a blanket, and some tea. Sometimes that's all I want to do, and this cold is a perfect excuse. Although I did just spend a bunch of time outside in the dirt...

This past Saturday I went to an all-day WAPF conference. It was great. Much of it I already knew, but it was one of those things where it all kind of clicked once I heard it from an expert and they could put it all together for me. There were also new things that I learned that kind of blew me away. Basically our diets are crap and most people are suffering from it whether they know it or not. We have to fix this, and I'm so so grateful that I'm young and able to feed my family good food, ethically, right from the start. I'll probably write much more about this in the near future, but for now I'm still absorbing and organizing it, 3 days later.

Here's the progress that we've made so far. Well, actually it's different now. I went out there this evening and built a square bed by the tip there, where that little plop of compost is at the edge and planted my zucchini. I also built up a teepee trellis thing around it. So far I have my tomatoes, peppers, eggplant, zucchini, some lettuce, acorn and butternut squash, broccoli, cauliflower, and cabbage planted. I still have much more to do. I think Jeff and I are slowing down our minds a little, as this half of the garden is really plenty for this year, and we'll work on expanding it to the other side of the yard this fall and prepping it for next spring. As it is, this is the biggest garden I've ever had... I can't help but crack a smile thinking of all the tomatoes I'm gonna get. I might actually be able to store a good amount of food this year. This is truly becoming one of the great joys of my life. I love gardening!


We planted a dwarf cherry tree on the north side of the yard. We also planted a blackberry bush, and what we thought was a raspberry plant but is actually some kind of rosebush, so this weekend I'm off to hunt for a real raspberry. I think it's kind of a good thing, though, because I realized that I want to plant Vera's placenta somewhere, and I've planted most of the big stuff for the year. It seems appropriate to plant it under a raspberry bush- I drank so much red raspberry leaf tea when I was pregnant, it just seems right. Next year I plan to plant a blueberry plant and a dwarf plum, and hopefully erect some kind of greenhouse.


Yay garden! I feel like I'm running really late on everything, but I have to push those thoughts to the back of my head and just get stuff in the ground. Each year there have been failures and successes, and this year will be no different. I feel an excitement this year, though, that I didn't in years past. This year it's MY garden. It's my house, my family, my ambition.

I hope you all are gardening away and having fun.

I came out of the hospital just as the sun was setting. I spent just over 12 hours with my first doula client. A healthy baby girl was born at 3:30 that afternoon. Walking towards my car was a little surreal, all things familiar coming back into focus, the alien world that is the hospital swiftly fading into the background. My first thought after the key went into the ignition was how much I wanted to see my partner and my baby, and how grateful I am for my life and my home. I got home and dropped my carefully prepared birth bag like a weight to the floor as my daughter came squealing towards me for a hug. Life is good.

This was not the picture-perfect birth that I had admittedly hoped it would be. I arrived and they had already manually dialated my client to 3 centimeters with some balloon contraption, given her morphine, broken her water, and the anesthesiologist was already on her way to administer the epidural. Soon there was talk of pitocin to augment the contractions (which had already naturally dialated her cervix from 3 centimeters to 5 in two hours), spouting something about how the contractions were just not consistent enough, and how she would "only need a little". After a few clarifying questions and firey looks from a doctor, my client managed to bargain her way out of pitocin for a mere 45 minutes, on the condition that she'd try some different positions to get her contractions closer together and more intense. They soon checked her and solemnly reported that she was "still only at 5" and that they really needed to do this. She consented, and contractions quickly became stronger. They soon checked her again and administered an internal monitor to measure the strength of her contractions. Within an hour the nurse was in talking about how due the baby's posterior position and my clients "dysfunctional labor", they needed to be prepared for a possible cesarean section (she was now 6-7cm). All the while they were telling her to notify them if she felt any pressure low down and when she asked about why she couldn't stop shaking they told her it could be transition, but that it could be very hard to deliver this baby and to be prepared. My client spent the next half an hour crying in this position and that, desperately trying to flip the baby around. I reminded her that many people successfully deliver posterior babies, and that she had more power over this situation. Soon the baby's heart rate had risen, and they were telling my client that the baby may just not like this labor. Unfortunately her temperature had then risen to 99.9 degrees, and there was talk of a possible infection. Six hours after I had arrived, a doctor came in and said "I think it's time to have a baby." I watched as my client went into hysterics, I was told "We've done everything we can do..." and everyone was escorted out of the room so they could prep her for surgery.

I was soon with my client in the recovery room, and learned that the pain medication had not worked sufficiently through the procedure, and that she had to be put on a stronger drug immediately after delivery. She came out of the druggy fog and was in extreme amounts of pain. I watched as a nurse insisted on touching her wound after she said "Please don't touch me, I beg of you!" I stayed with her through the next few hours- working to relax and breathe her through the pain, massaging her hands, commending her on her tremendous bravery. She expressed her anger, and I tried to validate her, reminding her that it is okay to be mad and that she doesn't have to feel better right now. Finally she was feeling more comfortable, smiling here and there and looking tired. It was a small thing, but by the end of the night I was certain that she was glad I was with her, and that made the whole day worthwhile.

I think it would be impossible for me to not feel some level of grief over this experience. However, as clearly as my own unpredictable 2-day labor taught me, there is so much that pain and a change in plans can teach us. One of the first things my doula/midwife friends told me was that we cannot save these women. Our role is to empower and to comfort, to provide strength and information and clarification, and to sometimes just be there. I am not responsible for giving her a perfect birth, it's not within my power. However, in this situation I truly feel that my client was severely wronged by a broken system. An already complicated life was further complicated through what I am certain was a traumatic birth experience. I can only help but wonder how things would have been different if they were able to be more patient, to stop intervening and scaring and bullying, to just wait and watch and let my client labor on her own, the way her body was built to. Perhaps in the end she would have needed the surgery, but I think that if she had been treated differently and not rushed, spoken to like she had a choice in the matter, like her opinion counted, then maybe when that time came she would have owned that experience and that outcome- perhaps with disappointment, but without the feeling that she'd been robbed.

This is a sad story, I know. I also know that working as a source of support for women, spreading knowledge and dissolving fear, taking back our own bodies and births- well that is work worth doing. I suspect that this experience will stay with me forever, if anything just as my "first" and as a reminder of why this crazy doula-thing is so important.


"Hope has two beautiful daughters. Their names are anger and courage; anger at the way things are, and courage to see that they do not remain the way they are." (Augustine)

Walter died. He was such a good rat. We had suspicions that it was coming- he started leaning to one side and acting a little funny about a month ago, but we watched him for a while and he didn't seem in pain, so we thought he'd possibly had a stroke. Then we noticed a few days ago that he'd gotten thin- he's always been the more robust of the two, but Dill looked much sturdier. And then he was gone. I'll really miss the little guy- he was the more social of the two, always so friendly and bright. I feel bad for Dill, he seems sad now. We had a little service for him and buried him under the lilacs. He was just over 2 years old, which I guess is an average lifespan for a rat. I felt compelled to sing this song that has really spoken to me lately- it goes like this:

"From all that dwell below the skies
let hope and faith and love arise
Let peace, goodwill on earth be sung
In every land by every tongue."

These things happen, but they leave me contemplating my closeness to the other living things in my life, how deeply I've chosen to love them all, and how much that could hurt me someday. I mean, just looking at my sleeping family nestled next to me early in the morning is enough to make my physical heart hurt a little. I choose not to dwell on thoughts like this (that I could lose them), but I find some value in the recognition that this life is fleeting, reminding me daily to soak in the precious moments that I have with my loves. I have faith in pain and death- all of it purposeful and in many ways just a testament to how cool the human heart is. I choose to embrace my losses and trust that they have a lesson to teach me. I am not immune, however, to the fear that accompanies it all. I don't want to lose the things that I love. I'm scared of the unknown. I'm scared that I won't have time. This is part of why I feel like I have to believe in a power greater than myself. I believe in the tapestry of life that is woven together with love and spirit and beauty. Pain is part of it too. I have to surrender these fears and just continue to live with joy and purpose, taking each loss as it comes, and doing my best to heal in ways that do not leave me scarred but stronger and wiser.

Mother's Day was so full of love. I still have to pinch myself and remember that "Oh yeah! I'm included in this holiday!" What can I say? I'm a newbie. Oh, and was I included. My dear, dear husband rushed around setting up my art/crafting area upstairs (that I'd been increasingly more and more anxious about not having yet, 3 months after moving), and building a sweet little bed for Vera while also putting our bed up on it's frame. (Yes, we'd all been sleeping happily on the floor...) A miracle worker! This, all in the span of a couple of hours while I was off with Vera at a friend's graduation party. I got home and we all rolled around on our new beds in the dim afternoon, and shortly after Jeff went outside to mow the yard and till half the garden. My hero. Oh but that's not all! The next morning (Sunday) he made Vera and I french toast (one of my all-time favorite breakfasts), and he made three (count them, THREE) quiches for the brunch at his parent's house that afternoon. All the while he would sweep the baby up to change her or play with her if she was whining at my knees. Amazing!
Then we had sushi with my family, which was lovely and delicious, although Vera was reaching her breaking point and we both had to take turns walking her around outside. I also disturbed the entire restaurant by blowing up one of these, and letting it go. I'd never seen one before, and while I was blowing it up little Tuula kept warning me with soft "No! No Dee-Dee!" (Dee-Dee is "Gracie" in Tuula-speak), but I didn't register it until it was too late. I turned red and tried to save it by saying "Happy Mother's Day!!!!" *Doh* By the end of the day we were all exhausted, and I felt so appreciated. Mother's Day is shaping up to be a pretty awesome holiday, so long as I stay away from any noise makers...

I figure I ought to do a picture update, so how about it? Some house, some yard, some people, some animals...

Spring has given me a much needed boost. I find that my mood is generally better overall, because now when I'm feeling gloomy or overwhelmed I just go outside and walk or sit in the sun. It does wonders I tell ya.


( So many pictures! )

Fin!

This is in response to an LJ friend who is vegan for ethical reasons. I wrote a novel of a response to her, and I thought I'd copy it here, as part one of my "thoughts on food" series. Here goes, let me know your thoughts. I'd also like to say that there is no judgment here- well, alright, a little judgment, but I believe people do the best they can with the tools they have, so my goal is really to learn and just try to find truth here.

Oh, for some background, she cites that it takes 16 pounds of grain to produce a pound of beef, and also that vegan diets can help reduce the risk of heart disease etc. She also talks a little about CO2 emissions, which I sort of just respond to in terms of overall environmental impact. I don't know much about the specifics of the emissions, but I'll research that soon.

My response:

I actually really respect your reasoning behind this, and I fully understand where you're coming from. I feel the same way in terms of environmental and health stuff, and also the evils of commercially raised livestock, etc., only that's precisely why I DO eat meat. I believe that a conventional American diet is unsustainable and not healthy, but I also feel the same way about a vegan diet.
It would take a while to explain this, but I'll do my best to sum it up. I eat only pasture raised, local meat, and I buy it in bulk once a year from people I trust and from farms I've seen myself. I eat vegetarian when I go out to eat, which is not often. I believe that we really need to localize our economies in order to live ethically on this planet, and that includes localizing our sources of food. In order to sustainably live in Michigan, I need to eat lots of whole foods- beans, whole grains, fresh veggies in the summer and fall and stored (canned or dried) in the winter, and also some meat. This does not mean meat every meal, and it does not mean the "cuts" that are most desirable. I use stock to cook rice and other grains, and I make lots of soup in the winter. I save special cuts for guests or special occasions, etc.
Basically, when I eat, I have to take into account a couple of things- first, what is healthy for me? Second- is what I'm eating sustainable, are there any moral issues that arise from my consumption, and by eating this what am I supporting in terms of business, etc, that could be unethical. To touch on the first issue, there are different schools of thought on this- I believe that we are omnivores, and need some animal fats to be healthy. I've done a great deal of research on this, and so I won't bore you with details, but I think most vegans agree that some supplementation is necessary to stay balanced, and I would argue that vegans are unable to absorb many of the nutrients from supplements due to the lack of animal products in their diets. I believe in the long term they suffer from vitamin and mineral deficiencies, not to mention the issues I have with the use of soy products, which I believe are harmful in unfermented forms (tempeh and miso are good examples of fermented soy). For more info on just soy, check here: http://www.soyonlineservice.co.nz/

Lately I've been wanting to write much more than I actually have been writing. Sometimes it's hard to get started. Since little John stopped coming, I have been filling the space with a variety of things. I thought I would be searching for something to do, but in reality everything just filled right up and I'm more and more active. It's nice, one of the things I was worried about missing were my "days off", which felt so relaxing and I was so grateful for that slow "just us" time. I still have that, though not in regular intervals anymore. Today is a day off. My plan is to go to this plant place with my friend, come home and clean up a bit (this house has been hit with a toddler tornado), start some sourdough bread, beans, and kombucha, laundry, and see if my other friend wants to go for a walk. Then later tonight after Vera has gone to sleep I'll paint some more of our house and listen to Townes Van Zandt (the ultimate zen experience, at least for today's purposes). Anyway, I've been doing odd jobs, cleaning and lots of simple work, which I find to be really good for me. It frees up my mind from thinking about trivial things, and it gets me to a more honest place, a place where I think about what matters to me. It makes me want to write about it, but then I end the day just wanting to spend some time with Jeff and eat a smoothie (I've been loving using my frozen fruit from last year with some plain yogurt and maple syrup).

---
Anyway, it's later now and I'm home, about to start the beans and laundry- I think I'll save bread and kombucha for tomorrow afternoon. I've been finding that being flexible is really essential right now. I need to strive towards things, but stay open and loosen my expectations. Because seriously, I'd lose my mind if I didn't. There are still boxes in each room of the main floor- the area that's actually mostly unpacked. I mean, things just don't go as smoothly or quickly as I'd like, almost ever. And so every time I come to write here, there's so much going on- the house, garden, doula stuff, whatever... it just brings me great clarity to dive into a simple job and just do it. Like cleaning the kitchen after a long day. Or folding laundry. Keeping it simple. So that's what I'm thinking I'll do with my writing. There are many things I've wanted to write about, but just only seem to scratch the surface because I'm trying to do too much at once. I'm thinking I'll just dive in and dedicate whole posts to things like my thoughts on food, or Vera, or my garden, or birth, or money, or whatever I'm thinking. I think I have to break it down like that to get into any depth on it. So yeah, one of my goals for this week is to start that little project- to exercise that muscle- my writing/venting/activist/lover/momma/foodie/woman muscle.

So I guess that's all I have for today. I do have pictures, but my baby seems to be having a nurse-fest today, and I'm not really in the mood to swing her ever-lengthening toddler body around the house still latched to me, just to find my camera. See? Flexible. No pictures today, at least that I took. Here's a photo that kind of sums up how I've been feeling lately, with this weather and freshness everywhere.

Vera is such a saucy little girl. Sometimes it's hard for me to keep up with her, just how much she's been growing into herself lately. She's so sweet and smiley, giving kisses to everyone. She's also got such a temper, and has just recently started throwing these fits when I take something away or pick her up when she wants to stay down. It's... interesting. I sort of just look at her like she's crazy and talk calmly to her, it's not so hard to handle, but lately she's really just letting me know that she is her own person, and that's been fun- fits and all. She is definitely a mama's girl, although that's totally normal for this age. She's got a really special place for Jeff, and if she hears a door open during the day or something she goes running and says "Papa! Papa!" I'm just constantly amazed by this ride.

We're also really enjoying time outside. Spring weather has been welcome for all of us, and this weekend we went to our old house and ripped up our old garden. Outside work! It left me sore and satisfied. I was telling a friend just this morning that I really believe that simple work, like digging in the yard and harvesting some veggies, is hardwired in us as humans. I really think that we are all built to do some form of simple work for sustenance to be happy. Maybe it's just how I'm wired. Totally possible. But this is my theory. I think we all should quit our day jobs and make our own local economies, centered around health and fun and community. Screw that money stuff! Screw all those hours away from our homes and families! I am more and more determined each spring to keep tapping into this energy. It feels right, it feels close to truth.

In other news, I have been busy with this path to becoming a doula, and the other night I met my first doula client! We talked for 2 1/2 hours and it felt really organic and easy. I was nervous at first. I mean, this is such a privilege, to be a witness to this process for someone I just met. I suppose that's what these meetings are for though, to get to know her. It reminded me of my own prenatals, and how different people are. Anyway, it was fun. I'm sure I'll have more to say later.

All this new stuff, the house, the doula stuff, no more John, new garden, some new friends, massage school this fall, being determined to live with less and less money, just all of it- well, it's oddly left me feeling a little directionless. So many directions, I guess. I find that while I'm driving my way into the future with great clarity, all of those little things around me get fuzzy. Like laundry. Or unpacking (because apparently that will take us multiples of years to do...). Or knowing what order to do things in. At least my baby is still fat and happy, so I know that I'm doing something right. Most days I find myself listening to my favorite music at loud volumes and making strange lists (the most recent list being "Operation Get Organized"), and then cooking and day dreaming, and then wondering why I was busy all day but only crossed off two things on my list. It's good. I'm just trying to ground myself is all. Some days I just end up almost looking down at myself and laughing. Keep the sense of humor in the midst of all of it. That's key.

And now pictures. Forgive me for all the baby. I mean, lately she's what I want to take pictures of. And who can blame me? Hopefully with spring I'll get more variety, but for now you'll just have to deal with all of the little Miss Vera Jean.

She found her pacifier the other day and it was nostalgic. I let her chew/suck on it for a while (I swear she almost forgot what to do with it!) and then promptly hid it.



( More... )
Ok, I'm done with the baby for now...

Quote of the day:
"The best place to seek God is in a garden.  You can dig for him there."  ~George Bernard Shaw

These weeks have been flying by me. With working on the house, thinking about the garden, spending time with friends and family, and just random other stuff that I can't even think of, my days have felt really packed. I find myself wishing for a little break, but then when I actually have one I just end up finding something to do. So. This is life. It's good. And I was worried about what I would do now that I'm not watching John. Ha.

I'm in the middle of another doula training. This is for a non-profit organization called Doula's Care. I will talk more about it when the training is finished (I go all day tomorrow), but I'm feeling really good to be involved in this program and I just think it's important work. So, I'm a little nervous, but I'll be hopefully attending births soon! I'm really glad to have my sister doing this with me. Hopefully we can be a good team and make it work well in terms of back-up and childcare and whatever else may come up. I think one of my worries about this kind of work is how on-call it is. I mean, I could get called at 3am and then who knows how long I might be gone. It's good though, I'm sure I want to do it. I guess it's a trade off, I'll get to spend weeks without anything to do but be home with my kiddo and do what I do, but then a birth may take me away for many hours. I can't imagine how it must be for my midwife/doula friends and how they make it work! I should pick their brains soon.

This is our new reading chair. We got it at the thrift store for $15, and I love it. It's so comfy and sturdy with room for a mama/papa and a couple of kids. Yes! Vera is just starting to really look at books without wanting to eat the corners off, so this is an exciting thing for us. I have amazingly fond memories of my mom reading to us every night. So many books I want to read her. So many children's books that I would love to read again, but I never find a good reason to because I always have other books in line. Grown-up books. Anyway, I have always struggled with finishing books. I'm always reading a few things at a time, and sometimes I finish something, but mostly I just graze. I just wish I could commit! I'll have to remember to work on that... I'm hoping that when Vera is a little older and I can move on to bigger books that I'll get some practice with that. Accountability!
Right now I'm reading a book about John Woolman. He was amazing. Just incredible. I have lots to share in the way of things I've been inspired by lately, but I fear I don't have the energy to really get it out the way I'd like. So, we'll just have to look at babies...

( Read more... )

I love my partner. I love him more than I did when we took vows. I love him more than I did yesterday. We are not without our struggles, but we both want this to flourish, and so things are never bad. It's always just growth with us. Days like today make me swoon and feel grateful for my good fortune. He's been calling and being encouraging and sweet. He called just to tell me he had fun with me last night, and to tell me when to expect him home.

I love who he is. I love that he wears thick socks and sandals all through the winter. I love that his hair sometimes sticks up on the left side in the same spot. I love how free of judgment he is, that he doesn't care about appearances, believing that humans are beautiful and flawed and shouldn't try to be different. I love that he questions everything, and that he cares deeply about justice and truth and love. I love how enthusiastic he is with people. If he likes something, he usually says something like "This is fantastic!" I love his sense of humor and how he can get me to roar with laughter at ridiculous things. I love how comfortable he makes me, and how safe I really am with him. I love how proud he is when he's been creative. I love that he's always trying to learn and do better. He is aware that he is a work in progress, and he remains open to new growth. I love that he sometimes holds my head in his hands and says "There's a person in there!!!" I love that I have no doubt that he is a good man, and that he has a lot to teach me.

I love how he loves our daughter. I love how he plays with her, how he's always conscious of her, always conscious of me as a mother. I love how he changes her diaper and sings to her. I love how he wants to put her to bed every night, to give me a break and to have some sacred Papa-baby time. I love that when he dresses her in the morning, it's never something I would put together for her. Sometimes it's all on backwards. I love that he appreciates my work, and he tries to nurture me as a person and a mother alike. I love that our bodies connected and made a new family for us. I love that we can look at our sleepy little girl and just feel overwhelmed with joy for her, together.

The other night I picked a fight with him. It was about not feeling like he showed me enough affection recently. He said "You know, we're in pretty good shape if our biggest problem is not cuddling enough..." It's true. I think I was just feeling overwhelmed and perhaps he was being a little too distant. But, he has a point. This post is meant to remind me to be grateful for my partnership, and to keep telling him that I'm grateful for it too.

Well, I've been laid off. John's dad's hours got cut significantly, so each of them are able to be home with him now. This is a good thing for them (I mean, except for the job part...), but I'll miss the little guy, and I'll have to find new ways to make some money. I hate thinking about money. I also felt kind of sad Monday after he left. I'll still watch him sometimes, I'm sure, and we're friends with his parents, so it's not like I'm never going to see him. But I guess I was really in the swing of things. I was making a little money, I had days off- which when you have nothing but "days off" it makes it seem like there are none, and I was good at watching him. He liked being here, and Vera had a regular playmate. It was a juggle at times, but I did it just fine. These things were good and helped me feel... productive. I just have to relearn how to feel productive on my own, which will certainly be helped by the spring and the garden. I can also focus my energy on getting into doula work, and I also have a couple of cleaning jobs lined up. All will be well. I think the winter is just done for me in my mind. I need some freshness, some growth, some new energy.

Garden planning is going well. I shot a little high thinking that I could set up shop in the basement and start my own seeds this year. I'll just be buying plants again this year, but I'm not worried about it considering all the work I have to do just to break down my old garden and set up the new one. Next year I will start my own seeds and think about that stuff. This year, just break ground.

I started trying out the Unitarian Universalist congregation nearby. I have some serious "church baggage" and it gives me a weird feeling to say that word. Church. They don't even call themselves a church, but still. I think it has to do with feeling really stifled in my adolescence, especially when it came to spiritual stuff. I hated being forced to go to church, and I experienced some things from other people that kind of turned me off from Christianity for a while. It was hard to feel safe in my spiritual questioning, and I was angry at certain people (and in some ways, the church as a whole) for bullying and invalidating me. I hated how intolerant they were. Eventually I matured out of it and realized that it was just those people who were screwy, not the whole faith. Now I feel really happy spiritually, and very freed up to believe what I do. I'm very "on the path", and I've been craving community (what's new, I know...). I wanted a community of people who aren't afraid to talk about spiritual issues, who feel passionately about social justice and peace and nonviolence, who are consistent and loving and good, who don't tell me that I have to KNOW the truth right now... It's so hard to get these people all in a room! Then my friend Katy asked me if I'd like to go with her, because she'd always wanted to try it out, and I jumped at the opportunity. I'd heard about it before, but it always seemed kind of like a new-agey place that's just like "oh, whatever works for you is just awesome!" and that's all I'd ever hear week after week. I realized that those are the things I'd heard from people who have never been there and frown upon it, just because. 
I have to say, I like it. I've only been a few times, but it feels really welcoming. I am not afraid of what they'll teach Vera. If anything, they have a really great religious education program and will give her a real example of a group of people who are organized in the name of peace and justice. The things that are said there are not totally non-specific chatter about believing what you want, but rather specific messages about loving each other and taking care of our world. These are the things I believe in, and it's been really encouraging to see so many people coming together to share that and take action.
What's funny is that the people around me want to go now too. It's like a bunch of my friends have been craving the same thing, but didn't want to go alone or feel silly about it. Now Katy's boyfriend is going, my sister and her husband, Jeff, and our old housemate too. It's been fun.


Anyway, I heard this at one of the first services and I have it printed out on my fridge now. I love it.

---

Go in peace.
Live simply, gently, at home in yourselves.
Act justly.
Speak justly.
Remember the depth of your own compassion.
Forget not your power in the days of your powerlessness.

Do not desire to be wealthier than your peers
and stint not your hand of charity.
Practice forbearance.
Speak the truth, or speak not.
Take care of yourselves as bodies, for you are a good gift.

Crave peace for all people in the world,
beginning with yourselves,
and go as you go with the dream of that peace alive in your heart.




( Three more. :) )

I've spent the day organizing through old papers- stories and poems from high school... my oh my. I've been listening to music that brings me back through my memories, from all my life. I've also been snuggling with my baby next to a sun-filled window and feeling content. Sifting through all that history is... making me feel fuzzy.

We finished our kitchen floor. I also feel good about the dining room. Viola! Progress is being made. The past few days in particular have left me feeling very good about where I am... in all respects. Especially after reading all that old poetry. I mean, it's good in its own way, but I remember being conflicted and insecure and jaded. I'll be feeling all "Why can't I go back and feel that again!?" and then I'll remember how it all ended and that I don't really want to relive it all. It wasn't bad, I was also young and fresh and adventurous and sweet and full of life. It was a good time. But it's like remembering how good smoking was. I loved smoking. Towards the end it was awful though. My lungs hurt and I hated being chained to it. I'm healthy now. I'm happy. I'm new again in all the right ways.

That's all really. Oh, interesting thing... Betty Anne Waters was just being filmed, oh, 5 blocks from my house. Now, movie stars are just regular old people and I don't go nuts over them or read those magazines or anything, but it still gives me a cool feeling when I think that Hilary Swank and others were walking distance from my house. I just... I watched her in the Next Karate Kid when I was young and I thought she was SO beautiful and I just wanted to be her- all hardcore and pretty. And then she went on to do some of the best movies I've seen, like Boys Don't Cry and Iron Jawed Angels. PS I Love You was one of the best romantic movies I've ever seen. Anyway, yeah, I kinda love that she's here.

Speaking of movies- tonight Jeff and I got hot & sour soup and thai noodles and snuck them into the theater to see Slum Dog Millionaire. It was an impulse date, because we are getting a good amount from our taxes and we figure we deserve a few dates that actually cost a little money. Our dates normally consist of making something good for dinner, a walk and a Netflix movie, or a game of Scrabble. Anyway, the movie was quality. I'm still feeling the afterglow.
( Things... )

This morning has been invigorating. Jeff and I got up and went straight to a nearby coffee shop for the "Ypsi Urban Farmer Breakfast" hosted by Growing Hope. We got there a little late, but were warmly welcomed and caught up. We split into smaller groups and talked about cooperative efforts and community advocacy, and I know people were talking chickens and bees but we didn't get in on those groups this time. Then some of us took a little field trip down the road to see the chickens and goats at Mr. Thomason's house (the guy that Gretchen and I had coffee with not long ago). People were so excited, and I heard a guy say "Man, this is what I fantasize about all day..." when he saw Mr. Thomason's little greenhouse. There were people talking about donating space in their yards for others for just a share of the veggies they produce. Really good stuff happening. Vera got to touch a chicken too... er, I guess the chicken touched her. Everyone was so nice and excited, and I talked with one woman in particular about how great and unpretentious this town is, and also how great a community it has. We talked about how awesome events like that are, because we all are really kindred spirits, willing and able to facilitate this movement, but we just need to find each other. Plus, we ate bagels with cream cheese, tomato, and lox (one of my favorite things ever)... and also brownie and coffee. A good morning.

Then Jeff and I went down the road to the paint store to get the finish for our kitchen floor. It's all ripped up and down to the wood (it was this terrible falling apart peel-and-stick tile stuff), and so we decided to ditch the idea of tile- it's too hard to find enough used anyway, and tends to be really expensive- and just finish the existing floor as well as we can. I think it's gonna be cool, and we'll hopefully have it done this weekend. I'll post pictures soon. I'll post pictures of everything soon- I think if I keep waiting until things are completely done it'll be years...

Oh! And the garden is such an exciting thing this year. My blank canvas. I got a design that Jeff really likes, and I'm proud of it. I think it'll be beautiful and productive and there will still be room for the dog and little bare feet to run around. We're also going to make a cob play house for Vera... Well, and for Jeff and I too. Who says adults can't have a play house? I'm thinking it'll be something like this. I'd like it to be compact, but big enough for two or three adults to sit in it, or for like 5 kids to play around in. I also want to grow stuff on top of it... no wasted space! The coolest part? It's practically free to make it, and it's naturally insulating and awesome looking. I love it. We figure, if we're going to take over most of the yard for garden and eventually chickens, Vera should have some cool place to call her own and show her friends.

Anyway, I'm a dreamer lately.

Quote of the day (one of my favorite poems and the origin of my blog title):

The Dream Keeper

I'm learning that many people get caught up in an image of themselves. Trying to define who they are, how they appear to others, their usefulness and purpose, etc. Then they start remembering times in their life when things were different, they were different. They start to scramble and try to figure out who is the real version of themselves. They miss when they were younger, or felt differently, or had different things. They look around and say "I'm not like that person..." or "I'd love to be more like that person there..." and start trying to measure and weigh themselves against the world, as if they are a separate being.
I'm learning that we are all recycled from the universe. Our bodies are recycled earth and water. Our breath is recycled air. Our thoughts are recycled energy and experiences. Even our personalities are recycled relationships and thoughts. We cannot exist as only ourselves. It's all an illusion. A shared and important illusion. I do believe that we are ourselves in an important way and have that power for a reason. It's hard to explain really. It's just that it's only one aspect of the truth- our individuality. Something that I was thinking is contributing to great suffering in the world today is the idea that we are separate, and even worse, that we want to be. Deepak Chopra says that once we realize that we are part of everything else that love and compassion will just spontaneously rise up in us, because there will be no other reality. I love that idea. I think at our core we know that we are connected to everything.
I remember when I was pregnant I had this image of people spilling out of each other in a long line. It was this seamless and beautiful feeling- life just pouring this way and that, a body coming from another body and for a moment I was able to see just the miracle in it all. I mean, I know how it works, but isn't that miraculous? We are most certainly all one, and yet ourselves at the same time. Universe = one song. I'm feeling really existential right now and I'm listening to lots of Bob Dylan...

Anyway, watch this video. And if you haven't seen the whole movie (I Heart Huckabees), you've gotta, it's one of my favorites.

Quote of the day:
"Everything is the same, even if it's different." -Albert Markovski

What I've been up to:

• I got accepted to massage school for the fall. I got my tour and the whole experience was so exciting. It's different than I thought it would be, in a good way. Smaller class than I expected- only about 60 people split into two groups. The woman told me that I'd likely leave with very close friends. I'm feeling like this is going to be a really good experience and I'll learn a lot.

• I went to a doula training last weekend. It was invigorating and inspiring, and also humbling. It's not like I was assuming I'd be an awesome birth support person right off the bat, but through the training I really realized that it's a precious time for women and their families, and I just think I now am closer to grasping the profundity of it. I really need to respect the role I'll be playing, be forever open to learning and to being wrong, and to just be of absolute service. In thinking about doula work lately I realized that it's not like any other vocation. I mean, my mom and her friends coached each other when they were having babies. It was just normal. I've read books where women routinely attended each other's births and it was just what you did. We help each other through it. I think it's a really important role, but it got me thinking that it's also just what women in a community (who have the heart for it, of course) are sort of naturally drawn to. It was beautiful to me in that way. It's life work. I think midwifery is a calling, and I don't feel particularly drawn to it, but the women I know who are into it are so amazing to me. I love being connected to all this and I feel so blessed to have been able to catch the "bug".
• I've been digging Deepak Chopra lately. He's so inspiring! If you haven't heard of him, check him out. At first it seems like any other dude spouting inspirational mumbo jumbo, but I really really like him. He speaks lots of truth.
• Jeff and I have been laughing and laughing. I love love love him. We are great friends. Last night we had a date and we snuck Chinese food into the dollar theater and were just giggling and hugging. Ridiculous cheesiness. We talked about our future and our present life. We talked about parenthood and our new house. Jeff kept saying "I had a really good time tonight". I think it's just been a while since we had an alone date together, it was really good for us.
• The house is coming along. Sometimes it seems like a snail's pace to me, but inevitably when someone comes over they point out something that we did that they hadn't seen last time. It's feeling really like home, and I have no doubt we made the right choice. That alone is a really good feeling. It was such a big decision.

Yesterday we put up these shelves in our dining room. I wanted to put stuff on them before we left for the movie, so Jeff took it upon himself to help me out. So, we've got a mini collection of mezcal from Mexico, some tin baking pans, brita filters, coffee maker, snow man shaped cookie box, etc. I swear, in the (going on) 5 years we've been together, I continually laugh at dumber and dumber stuff. I used to roll my eyes and tell him to knock it off, and now I roar with laughter and take pictures. What's that about?


( More :) )

Quote of the day:

“The secret of attraction is to love yourself. Attractive people judge neither themselves nor others. They are open to gestures of love. They think about love, and express their love in every action. They know that love is not a mere sentiment, but the ultimate truth at the heart of the universe.” (Deepak Chopra)